minor accomplishments

Taken from Facebook...

I know you've all been desperately wondering how i've been doing at
making my way through that list of goals for 2007. Well, here's the
update:

-buy a new cell phone CHECK! (oh how i love it)
-play in the snow CHECK! (well, just the once, but i'll count it)
-bake that delicious bavarian apple torte CHECK! (yum yum, big success!)
-kiss a cute boy CHECK! (no way i was letting that one slip by)
-clean my room FAILED! (d'oh. i knew this one would be one be a miss)
-start a good book FAILED! (alas, not yet. although i did go to the bookstore)
-forgive CHECK! (that's a toughie, some forgiveness achieved, some still a work in progress)
-laugh till my sides hurt and my face feels like it's stuck in perma-smile CHECK! (several times)
-go to a fun party CHECK! (and off to another now)
-eat a great meal CHECK! (a few!)
-get back to knitting my afghan CHECK! (only a few rows, but it's a start)
-make a list of easily obtainable goals that will give me a false sense of accomplishment as i complete them. CHECK! CHECK! CHECK!

All in all, not too bad. Way to go me. Aim low and i'll never be disappointed :p

Happy new year everyone!

SLAM!

Door closed. Over.

Turns out i shouldn't have been worried about the friend window, everything was cleared up yesterday. we hung out for a bit the two of us, and he was very charming and complimentary. I made a comment that he always seemed to need his friends around, and was he scared to be alone with me. he said i was the one that was scared of him and he was trying to take things slow so as not to frighten me off. the night was lots of fun, we met up with all his buddies and played cards and drank beer. lots of beer. we all went out. i became more forward, and didn't feel like having the entire evening pass as friends. he asked if i liked him and i said yes. he said he liked me. i felt happy. we made out like a couple of teenagers. it was terribly tacky, just ignoring the other people around us.

all seems good, right? but don't forget that this entry started out with the door slamming closed. how to put this delicately... all this cute texting and cuddling and taking things slow was because he had a certain idea of me. a nice, good girl, sweet and innocent. and last night i dispelled that notion. what can i say? i wanted him. i wanted him years ago. so, i went after what i wanted. sweet virginal amanda image shattered.

it's so cliche. but now that he doesn't see me as that pure, innocent girl, i think the appeal is gone. surprisingly, i think we were both in the same position, seeing each other as somehow unobtainable. the chase was so fun and exciting! and this is all that it culminated in. it would have been better if it had gone unrequited.  but now we both know that neither of us are special or unobtainable. and that took all the magic out of it.

the friend window

 

 

i feel there's a certain stretch of time you have in which to establish a relationship. hanging out all the time is great and fun, but too much time all buddy buddy and i fear the window of opportunity will pass and you'll be stuck in the friend zone permanently. i'm not sure how much time is actually in this window, but i have a feeling mine is about to close. oh - brief explanation - when i last said i wasn't interested in the cute boy, that wasn't true. i'm a no good liar, whatcha gonna do 'bout it?

 

so i have seen said cute boy several times since reconnecting 2 weeks ago. 5 times, i think, plus a fair amount of texts and calls. but a lot of it has just been friendly. we hang out with his friends, have a few beers, play some guitar hero. i think, oh, i'm just one of the boys. there's been some stuff that goes beyond the friend line, but not enough to establish anything definitive. but just when i think we're stuck in friendland, he'll do something that makes me think all isn't lost. how do i break this pattern??

 

...

 

okay, i started writing this blog this morning, but kept getting distracted by work (damn work). Cute boy has since sent me the cutest text ever. 'come cuddle with me'. Oh my god too adorable! what is wrong with him? why won't he make a real move? enough hanging out with the boys and cuddling on the couch, i want some real action! (apologies to family members who may read this, please continue to imagine me in whatever innocent state you wish).

 

back to work.

ambition - amanda style

I originally posted this as a Facebook note on Dec 22nd, and figured i'd add it here as well.

not much of 2007 left. instead of making resolutions as to what i will
do in the new year, i'm going to make a list of things to strive for
before this year is up. that way i have a much shorter time to wait to
see if i reach my goals. and my list will be free of ridiculous "join
the gym, eat healthier" type nonsense that i'd have no intention of
attempting anyway. so here are a few things i'd like to achieve... in
no particular order:

-buy a new cell phone
-play in the snow
-bake that delicious bavarian apple torte
-kiss a cute boy
-clean my room
-start a good book
-forgive
-laugh till my sides hurt and my face feels like it's stuck in perma-smile
-go to a fun party
-eat a great meal
-get back to knitting my afghan
-make a list of easily obtainable goals that will give me a false sense of accomplishment as i complete them.

And.... GO!

far from home

last night i saw a deer in my back lane. right there, wandering through the empty lot next to my house, this huge donkey-sized deer.  i've often seen deer around my dad's place, as he lives very close to a large park, but i live right in the middle of osborne village! where on earth did it come from? it was so strange to see this big animal, just sauntering through the snow, cars driving by on the busy street just metres away, people walking past, seemingly oblivious. we sat in the car and watched it slowly move through the yard, then make its way to the front sidewalk where it turned and walked out of sight. maybe it was headed to carlos & murphys for a beer. how surreal.

weekend!

Yay, it's Friday! Today was a good day. I'm getting the hang of things at work and everything went pretty smoothly. Spoke to some really lovely people on the phone. That totally puts me in a great mood when i talk to such friendly people. Especially when i know that a lot of them are going through tough times, it warms my heart to know how positive and happy people can be. It's truly wonderful.

so i'm fickle

i've decided i'm not interested in the boy after all. oh well.

better

Today was alright. No tears. No breakdowns or fits of frustration. It was all a-ok. Plus, I was still a bit giddy from last night's series of flirtatious text messages and phone calls from the cute boy. I'd decided I would send him a text, but i didn't have to, he contacted me before i had the chance. Yay!

tears at ten

 

Today is off to a miserable start. Just a couple of hours into the day and I've already cried. I hate crying. i hate feeling stupid and incompetent. I know i will get this stuff eventually, but right now i just feel like a complete and utter moron. Why don't i get some of this stuff? people are trying to explain to me, and it just doesn't make sense. i don't understand what they are saying and they don't understand why i don't understand. I'm an impatient person. i want to be good at everything right away. and i will be good at this, but it's so hard right now.

 

i try to remind myself of those first few months in China. I cried a lot. teaching was difficult. i wasn't a natural. everyone else seemed to take to it faster than me. i hated feeling like i wasn't thriving. i cried and wanted to run away. but i didn't. i'm impatient, but i'm also stubborn and i have to prove that i can beat something. so i stuck it out and eventually i did thrive. in the end, i was really good at it. that will happen again, i just have to make it through this rough beginning. tears and all.

change of perspective

 

I was given some good advice regarding the boy. I must remember how fantastic I am! And you know, it's true. I'm pretty awesome. I'm fun, intelligent, i've led an interesting life, mirrors don't generally shatter as I pass. Yay me! Toot toot toot my horn :)

 

This guy is just another guy. One that i had on a pedestal, but it's time to get some perspective. I seem to have the tendency to build people up for no apparent reason. Let's remember the most recent loser. Why did i think he was so great? Two teenaged kids, lame job, issues up the wazoo, completely flakey and way too confused for a grown man. Damaged goods I tell ya!! I can do way better. Now this one. Just a normal guy. Not a god, not perfect, not even close to right for me.

 

If anything, he should be crazy about me! I've taken decent care of myself over the years, I've got no kids or shady past, i earn a decent living, i don't have piles of emotional baggage. Toot toot! Yep, I'm a catch. I'm not waiting for someone to choose me. I can do the choosing if someone is so lucky

 

Arrogance is sooooo hot. :p

obsess much?

 

Why yes, yes i do.

 

I can't focus. I try to concentrate on work, but my mind wanders. Cute boy with sexy smile.... sigh. I can't let myself have this crush again! No no no no no. It was too big, it made me a crazy and obsessive. Ack, i'm on that path again!!

 

He called me yesterday and invited me over to watch a movie. I played it cool, said I'd give him a shout after dinner, see how late it was etc. After I hung up, I promptly had a mini-seizure of glee. Hopped around frantically like the floor was on fire. All my self-restraint and "cool" was out the window. Called a friend and babbled on a mile a minute, mostly just saying eeeeeeek he called he called he called! Yeah, pretty much behaved like a 12 year old girl.

 

So this will go nowhere, which is why i must, abolutely must, nip this crush in the bud right now! We hung out last night, and it was all just friendly. Didn't actually watch a movie, just chatted for a couple of hours. All FRIEND-LIKE. Bah, stupid friends!!!! Sitting on the couch talking and all i'm thinking is 'damn you're cute!' Oh the agony, the torment!

 

I have to accept that this will always be unrequited. Must stop daydreaming and pining...

blast from the past

A lot can change in 8 years. I think of everything I've done in that time, and it's huge. All that traveling, lost love, new love, friendships made, jobs obtained and left... what seems like a lifetime of experiences. I'm not a drastically different person than I was at 22, but I definitely feel quite far from that girl. It's hard to remember what exactly I was like then. Everything that has happened over the last half dozen years is such an important part of me, I can't imagine who i was before. I went to the bar more. I drank more. I cared about what other people thought of me more. I was less sure of myself. I thought less about the future (if at all). I was less aware of what was really valuable.

I suppose I'm a grown up now, although I'll never admit it.

I reconnected with an old friend recently, and last night we saw each other for the first time in 8 years. Back in the day I had quite the crush on him. Lots of people did. He was fun and flirtatious, very attractive and had a mischievous smile that made you feel like you were sharing a secret. Of course he was quite the bad boy too. The girls loved him and he loved the girls. I'm sure he left a string of broken hearts and scorned women in his wake. With all the partying and selfish womanizing, he was bad news for many a swooning girl. Luckily, nothing ever went on between us. But even once i was in a serious relationship, that boy still sent my heart a flutter!

Eight years later..... like I said, a lot can change. We had a really nice time catching up. He's mellowed. He's had a kid. He's not all about the crazy partying and bouncing from girl to girl. He talked about working at his schooling to finish his apprenticeship. He talked about his son and wanting more kids one day. He talked about how hard it is to meet a girl. His whole attitude seemed different! This was the same guy that i once knew??

Damn straight it was. He looked the same. Still had that twinkle in his eye and that sexy smile. And my heart? boombadaboombadaboombadaboombadaboombadaboom!

A lot can happen in eight years, but it's nice that some things will never change.

what'd i do to you, karma?

I've never been a lucky person, but sometimes I really think I'm cursed.

When I went to turn my ringer back on after a movie last night, I noticed that I'd forgotten to lock it as several keys were pressed. Oops, with the phone in my back pocket, hopefully i didn't accidentally make a bunch of calls by shifting in my seat. Check the dialed numbers... oh no. No no no. My squirming butt did somehow manage to sit on the right sequence of buttons to make one call. And of course, with all its horrible improbability, it called him.

I stared at it for a second, not wanting to believe that had really happened. What are the lousy chances of his number being the one dialed! Of everyone in my phonebook, why him?? We walked out of the theatre, Kat laughing at my insanely bad luck, me just repeatedly saying why why why why why?

It doesn't help matters that I noticed recently that he'd blocked me on Facebook. That pissed me off. As if he had any reason to block me! I know I should have removed him from my list ages ago, i don't know why i never got around to it. So what perfect timing. Probably looks like I was drunk dialing after discovering the block. Bah!

I've removed his number from my phone to ensure that never happens again, but the damage is done. Oh how i wish he knew i wasn't trying to call him! i didn't want to talk to him!

It was just a series of unintentional, unlikely, unfortunate bum wiggles, that I can only imagine were choreographed by some mischievous higher power who's got it in for me.