Saturday, May 16, 2015

a fire-pole, and other parenting ideas

Getting my daughter to sleep isn't that difficult, the real trick is getting her to stay asleep. First comes the bouncing and singing. Okay, she's asleep, now the hardest part: putting her down. I hold her for a while, hoping she falls into a sleep deep enough not to notice the move away from my body and onto the mattress. Gingerly, I ease her onto the bed. First her feet touchdown...steady now... lowering her head... EYES OPEN! Quickly scoop her back up and immediately they close again. Little bounces... and try again. It usually takes me at least three tries.

Once she's successfully laying on the bed, I stand perfectly still; you wouldn't even be able to see me breathe. I contemplate my escape, cursing the creaky hardwood. I am so close to victory, and yet defeat threatens me with every step. What I need is a fire-pole, so I can slide silently down to the main floor. I'd wear mittens so there'd be no squeaking of skin on metal, and I'd plop noiselessly into a pit of foam pieces. Yes, that would work. I have also imagined myself swinging out of the room on monkey bars, so as to avoid the perilous floors. A house made of marble would be equally adequate for enabling a soundless departure.

Instead, I slowly slide my foot across the ground, trying to detect any creaks before all my weight goes down, and reaching as far as I can to minimize the steps required. I try to hold myself up somewhat on the dresser as I slip out, then with hands pressed against the hallway walls as I near the stairs. One time she stirred and opened her eyes before I made it out of the bedroom and I instinctively ducked down out of sight. As I lay huddled on the floor, I thought how absurd it was that a three month old could incite such ridiculous behavior in a (more or less) sane adult. But instead of picking myself up off the ground, I slid out. That's right, laying flat on the floor and pushing myself backwards with my hands, I slithered out of the room. A new low (haha, pun).

There is one other thought that crosses my mind every time I lay her down. I inevitably get my arm pinned under her head, and sliding it out without waking her is challenging. That's when I remember an old commercial for the War Amps Champs about playing safe. A robot gets his arm sawed off and then clicks it back on. He says "I am Astar, a robot. I can put my arm back on; you can't. Play safe". Oh how I wish I had Astar's removable arms!

Thursday, May 7, 2015

3 months in (almost)

I remember thinking that babies sleep a lot, so surely I'd have plenty of time to write my blog. Hahahahahahahahaha! Ha. Oh, the folly of a new parent. Little did I realize that the sleeping would have to be done in my arms, leaving me unable to do much of anything, let alone sit and type merrily at the computer. But right now she is sleeping on her own so I will hurry hurry hurry to try and bang out a quick update before she wakes up. That is pretty much how I do everything now. She's asleep, so hurry and gobble down some food. She's asleep, mad dash into the shower. She's asleep, quickly toss some laundry in!

oh dear god, the phone rang. and a wrong number too! my heart was pounding as i tip toe ran to get it. thankfully, she is still asleep. phew.

so, i'm a mom now. craaaazy. i don't even know where to start. i thought this post would just pour out, seeing as i've become one of those people that can only talk about the baby. but what do you expect, having a baby has become my whole life. and things that are totally story-worthy in my mind, no doubt fail to captivate my audience. "so Amelia was looking at her crinkly fabric book - she loves that book, so focused on the pictures - and she totally almost turned the page by herself!" i gush enthusiastically. whoever i'm talking to waits for the rest, and then realizes by my goofy ear to ear grin that there is no more. "um... cool. good story," says the unimpressed listener. okay, i'm exaggerating, that would be kind of a lame story. she didn't almost turn the page by herself, she DID turn the page by herself!! Whooo!!!! The crowd goes wild!!!!

there are also chilling tales of poo mishaps and giant barney gumble-esque burps, uplifting triumphs of grabbing the dangling toucan and pushing the music button on the snail. and of course feel good heart-warmers of big morning smiles, sweet coos and gurgles, and too cute to handle giggles. seriously, she laughed for the first time a week ago, and it was so adorable i thought i was going to explode. instead i just squealed with delight myself, and then hugged and squeezed her like the abominable snowman does to daffy duck.

anyway, this entry has actually taken several sittings over a few days to get through, so i'm just going to post it and try to write again soon.

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