Tuesday, October 30, 2007

hot off the press

here's an update, brand spankin' new and fresh.

had a date with the boy tonight. still unsure as to what to do.... but it certainly was easy to slip back into old habits. it was a very nice date. we went for a drink, then to a concert i had tickets for through work, then he dropped me off at home. that's all. sweet and innocent. he held my hand at the show, kissed me goodnight, asked to see me again.... and i heard myself saying okay.

so many reasons to walk away! so so many, i won't even start a list. and just one reason to stay. i like him.

i had a date with someone else last week, and it was fine. I mean, we had a pleasant evening, decent banter etc etc. But there was nothing there. No spark, no chemistry. Nothing that stirred any sort of passion or excitement whatsoever within me. so who cares.

so i guess this update isn't really giving any new info. i'm still wavering. i tell myself to forget it all and move on. but i'm not. i'm holding his hand at shows and kissing him goodnight and accepting next dates. but i can't sit on the fence forever. sooner or later i'll topple in some direction.

Monday, October 29, 2007

counting down

Just four days left at my job. Weird. I kind of don't want to leave. Starting from scratch is worrisome. I should be excited about a fresh start. New people, new things to learn, new lifestyle. But I don't feel excited. I just feel uneasy about change. Yes, the girl who moved to NZ straight after high school, the girl who lived in China for a year, the girl who travelled around the world, trying all sorts of new experiences... that girl is nervous of a little job change.

Why?? I kept saying I needed to do something else in my life, i was feeling restless and wanted something different. Then this job pops up and suddenly I get all shy and attached to my itty bitty cubicle. Time for some self-analysis...

I'm really good at my job. People know it and value me there. Perhaps I won't be as valued at the new place, that's probable. I'm not worried about doing well, I know I'll do fine. I think the real fear is that this change won't change anything. I'll still feel restless and dissatisfied. And then what? I hate this feeling of
general malaise that I can't seem to shake lately. A new job may keep me distracted briefly, but it's probably just going to be a quick fix. But... better than running off to some foreign country, I suppose.

Friday, October 26, 2007

hello!?.. hello.... hello....

sigh, there seems to be nobody out in blogland these days. and just when i needed some advice!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

second chances?

It's so strange when there's something you think you really want, then unexpectedly it comes to you... and suddenly you're not sure that you want it that much after all. Or it's not that you don't want it, it's just you thought that getting it would make everything good and you'd snatch it up with 100% certainty, when in reality it's not that black and white.

How do I make my decisions?
By taking chances or being careful? By following my heart or my head? Both are making compelling arguments. Emotional vs. Rational.... The fight is pummeling me, but I can't call a winner.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

big new york apple that never sleeps

The city so nice they named it twice....

October 4 - October 8.

Me and six of my best friends treated ourselves to a long weekend in New York to celebrate the year we all turn 30. Here's how it broke down.

Celebrity sightings: 1

Ryan Gosling in an ATM vestibule, where he and Carolyn became fast friends (3 words exchanged in total - truly a bond neither shall forget)

Rat sightings: 1
although being a NY rat, it was closer in size to a cat.

Blisters:  1
just the one! and with the strategic changing of shoes, it wasn't so bad.

Average temperature: 28
that's Celsius! so unbelievably gorgeous.

Art galleries visited: 1
the MoMA. Very nice. one gallery visit in a long weekend is plenty for me.

Limo rides: 1
we're sooo fancy! Also falling into the first-time/fancy category for me, includes sipping champagne on a sailboat, and trying lobster. although i kind of made too much of a mess for it to really be considered fancy.

Roller skating funky dance parties in Central Park: 1
a real highlight for me. so unique, so funny. some of us were even brave enough to join in the dancing. Woohoo!

Naked singing cowboys in Times Square: 0
however, there was a naked singing cowgirl.

Shirts I slutted into a dress: 1
oh amanda, such a trollop... you can get away with anything in NY!

Posh clubs we got into: 1
apparently one of NY's most exclusive hotspots. Woo us!

Minimum cost of purchasing 2 bottles of booze for the table service required to stay at above mentioned swanky club: $700

Posh clubs we left: 1
rudely shown exit when we opted against the $700 charge

Hours spent at karaoke: 4
maybe more. I know we went after the club and closed them down at 5am.

Calories and alcoholic beverages consumed: many many many!!

So much fun, but it's impossible to quantify that. Just can't wait to do it again!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

winds of change

I made my decision. It was really tough, and I'm far from certain that it was the right call. But it's done nonetheless.

I'm leaving my job and going to take the position with the government. I need to try it, see if it's for me, otherwise I'll always wonder. The worst that can happen is I don't like it, don't think it's worth it, and decide that I want to go back into the entertainment industry. At least I'll know.

My boss really wanted me to stay, made me a good offer, but I decided I just have to do this. Maybe in 6 months I'll want to go back. Maybe I'll be able to. Maybe not. But I don't want to live with regrets that I didn't try something.

So there you go! In November I will be changing the little blurb next to "occupation". Sad, exciting. Terrifying.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

ACK - HELP!!!!

I was going to write about my trip to NY, but something came up that is preempting that entry.

I got a job offer today and I don't know what to do. It's for the Federal Government and it pays almost twice as much as my current job. At times I would only work 25 hrs a week, and at that point I would probably still earn more than my 45 hour weeks now. It's a term position until the end of March, with the first 3 months being full time hours. It's a call centre, which is hardly my ideal position, but the hours are better and, as mentioned, so is the pay. When the term is up, she said they always extend. And people move quickly to other areas.

Oh god oh god, what do i do??? The job starts Nov 5th, which means I'd have to give my notice immediately. I really only have til the end of the week to decide. Shitshitshitfuckshitshit. I don't dislike my job. It has improved 1000fold and there are some things i really enjoy. I'm getting more and more variety, I love the fact that I'm good at it, I know so much more than i expected, and... and I don't know. I didn't really plan on leaving yet.

As coincidence would have it, my year long contract ended last Friday. I knew they were expecting me to stay on, and I was debating what I would ask for when renegotiating. But FUCK! Now what? Ack, I can't stop swearing. I don't have a clue what to do. HELP!

How on earth can I justify staying at this job? I mean, better hours, twice the pay, tons of opportunity once I'm with the government.... vs. I like my boss, there may be some cool opportunities eventually (but no guarantees) and I would feel horrible leaving so suddenly. I can't decide so quickly. I'm meeting with the woman tomorrow to get a tour and a better idea of what it would be like. But I'll have to decide asap.

Oh dear god, I think I'm going to barf.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

New York, New York!

In about 7 hours and I'll be boarding a plane. Off to the big apple! I'm so excited, I can't sleep. Not sure why I'm so giddy about this trip, aside from the fact that it'll be fantastic. That and it's coming at the perfect time. Forget the stresses and disappointments of family, relationships and work. Time for some good old fun with the girls! I just want to relax, let loose, splurge and enjoy! Shopping, eating, drinking, sightseeing... i want to do all of it.

It's been almost 10 years since i was last in NY. What a different trip that was. Back then a friend and his buddy came from New Zealand and we drove down to Boston, NY, Washington etc etc. We had no place to stay in NY so we camped in our van in the parking lot of the New Jersey ferry terminal! Three days was the longest we spent anywhere before moving on. We're gonna go in a bit more style this time around.

The weather is supposed to be gorgeous. And they'd better be right because my whole suitcase is based on their predicted 28 degree days! I can't wait.

Okay, I'm starting to get tired now. Time for a restless sleep, like a kid on christmas eve! Or so I'd imagine. Never got that excited about Channukah :p

Off to bed I go. And off to New York! I haven't even left yet and already I don't want to come back....
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