Sunday, December 30, 2007


Door closed. Over.

Turns out i shouldn't have been worried about the friend window, everything was cleared up yesterday. we hung out for a bit the two of us, and he was very charming and complimentary. I made a comment that he always seemed to need his friends around, and was he scared to be alone with me. he said i was the one that was scared of him and he was trying to take things slow so as not to frighten me off. the night was lots of fun, we met up with all his buddies and played cards and drank beer. lots of beer. we all went out.
i became more forward, and didn't feel like having the entire evening pass as friends. he asked if i liked him and i said yes. he said he liked me. i felt happy. we made out like a couple of teenagers. it was terribly tacky, just ignoring the other people around us.

all seems good, right? but don't forget that this entry started out with the door slamming closed. how to put this delicately... all this cute texting and cuddling and taking things slow was because he had a certain idea of me. a nice, good girl, sweet and innocent. and last night i dispelled that notion. what can i say? i wanted him. i wanted him years ago. so, i went after what i wanted. sweet virginal amanda image shattered.

it's so cliche. but now that he doesn't see me as that pure, innocent girl, i think the appeal is gone. surprisingly, i think we were both in the same position, seeing each other as somehow unobtainable. the chase was so fun and exciting! and this is all that it culminated in. it would have been better if it had gone unrequited.  but now we both know that neither of us are special or unobtainable. and that took all the magic out of it.


Laoch said...

It is funny how hard it is to really know what will make us happy.

Melvin said...

Laoch is so right! I\'m a little odd and am currently reading a book called The Hogfather by Terry Pratchett and if you get thru the death and well Death replacing Santa Claus you get a little of that trying to find out what you want, what you need, and trying to open yourself up and find out just what is it that makes you happy. Sometimes it\'s pretty surprising how close happiness is. I was listening to Radio Free Satan and the DJ was talking about how few Jewish songs there are for this time of year, then he played something by Sarah Silverman - wow, just thought I\'d look for the song, wow it\'s on youtube here
Hehe, and nope I\'m not a Satanist or something I just like novelty songs and twisted humor stuff. Hehe, was going to try to recomend a book to you, but all that comes to mind is a graphic novel of Ranma 1/2 the one with martial arts figure skating!!  Oh well, keep smiling. And remmeber - sorry I\'m kinda drunk - it was really good and uplifting though, um have a great new year!!

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