yeehaw, alberta!

went to edmonton for a long weekend. there was no reason except to get
out of the city for a bit, forget about everything and enjoy the open
road.

beef jerky, potato chips and coffee: road trip breakfast of champions.
got lost leaving Saskatoon, totally missed our turn as we were too busy
playing games. after about 30 mins, i commented "i wouldn't mind seeing
a sign saying highway 16 soon" and david mentioned that he hadn't
noticed any semis on this road. Hmm.... Turned around and headed back,
and got on the right road. haha, we laughed, silly us!

edmonton was great. found a dingy motel, right next to a large sign
warning us it was a "high theft area". our door took a bit of
maneuvering to close, looking like it had been busted in a few times.
haha, we laughed, what a terrible place!

edmonton activities:
- shopping. about 12 hours worth. credit card saw a lot of action. feet ached.
- waterpark. slides, wave pool, tubes. so much fun.
- visiting friends i haven't seen in years. fantastic to catch up! wish i had more time
- playing poker for several hours. 2nd place both times, damn!!
- wearing our new hats and pretending to be cowboys. yes, we're nerds.

and back on the road for another 13 or so hours. more beef jerky, more
coffee. got lost in saskatoon once again, this time totally not our
fault. who would think that "Circle Rd" dead ends? we followed it
expecting it to take us around the city, but instead it changed into
some weiny little back road. WHAT KIND OF CIRCLE IS THAT?? we
contemplated buying a map, but decided against it. who needs maps? not
these two cowpokes!

finally got back to the city around midnight, exhausted and
delirious... and not wanting to step foot in a mall or look at beef
jerky for a very long time!

back to work

 

that 4 day weekend went too fast. i was just getting comfortable with not working. oh, to be independantly wealthy! sigh...

 

so i did something nice for someone the other day. rare, i know! i thought twice (at least) about it, knowing full well there are better people to do something nice for. but i did it anyway. i'm not really sure why. i just wanted to. i wanted something good for this person. i did it more or less anonymously (although it wouldn't be difficult to guess it was me).

 

what a waste. wasting the miniscule amount of selflessness i possess on the wrong person! but i suppose that's what makes it selfless, right? i know there's nothing in it for me. and i want nothing for it either. it really just was done for the sake of making someone feel good. i hope it did. wishing happiness for someone at no benefit to me is a strange emotion...

 

"best before"... merely a suggestion

i posted this yesterday on facebook, but i think it's kinda funny, so i'm posting here too. yeah, that's right, i just arrogantly proclaimed myself to be funny. whatcha gonna do about it?

i should probably stop eating expired food. one of these days i'll pay the price.

opened the fridge to check out the dire food situation. wow, nothing.
but i'm starving and safeway is all the way across the street. surely i
can make do with the odds and ends before me.

two eggs: expired 10 days ago. totally close enough.
cheese: still good!
pepperoni: hmm, expiry date rubbed off, can't even remember when i bought it... but it seems fine.
canned olives: i don't think they ever go bad.

whip up a little omelet. could use some sort of condiment on the side. no ketchup, no salsa. what else could i try?

dollop of sour cream: expired 9 days ago. perfectly fine, no green fuzz.
blob of bbq sauce: expired a month ago. whatever, as if bbq sauce expires, i just plain old don't believe them.

seems like a somewhat odd combination of things, but it all tastes
good. i am reminded of an episode of friends when joey eats rachel's
meaty dessert trifle. if you like all the ingredients separately, why
not together? i think that's how my tastebuds work. after all, i used
to pour milk on my toast and maple syrup on my french fries.

so far no signs of impending vomit or dysentery. i think i have a pretty tough stomach. safe again, ergo no lesson learned!

long wheeee!-kend

 

yippeeyippeeyippeeyippee! only 1hr15mins til the long weekend! a whole four days off! and then just two little days of work and i'm off again for another 4 days. driving to edmonton just for something to do. yahoo! can't wait for the day to be over.

boring but brief

 

Mmm... coffee.

 

nothing interesting to report today. i'm not feeling blah, so that's good. we're having a potluck at lunch and i made brownies. yay me! i totally thought i'd wimp out and just end up buying something, but oh no, i actually MADE them.

 

we came in 3rd at our pub quiz. tsk tsk.

 

 

up and down. now down.

not feeling so vibrant and lively today. one moment i'm bursting with energy, conscious of all the things i have to be happy about. feeling good about myself and my life. but those highs are difficult to hang on to. today i feel blah. all the little things on my happy list seem superficial and inconsequential. i want more. but i don't know what the more is, so i don't know how to get it.

don't flatter yourself

i've been having some strange dreams lately, and i posted them on facebook for interpretations from my friends. in one of them, my sister had some big bugs on her, and in a panic, i started clawing at my chest, until i ripped through my flesh and tore my rib cage apart, pulling out my bloody, throbbing heart. my sister, now crawling with bugs said "you shouldn't have done that amanda".

jackass (who i no longer feel is a jackass, i just call him that for your sake - we're actually friends now) offered his opinion: "don't tear your heart out over the wrong guy". HA! that's pretty presumptuous of him. we get along great, and we've hung out several times and had a perfectly fun time. but i am most definitely not tearing my heart out over him. here's my somewhat alternative interpretation of the dream: my heart was beating wildly. even while holding it my hand, i was still alive. And conscious of how alive i was. Look at it go! boomboomboomboomboom!! my sister was what truly frightened me; a walking corpse. not that i believe her life is over, but we are on very different paths. in retrospect, this dream actually reassured me of how much i still have in me.
 
i'm not tearing my heart out in agony over some self-absorbed boy. I'm marveling at the pounding, vibrant life within myself! I told him my analysis and suggested he keep his ego in check. hahaha!

nodding off

 

so tired today. we're in training all day and it is just so exhausting. read read read.... it's so hard to keep my eyes open.

 

it was a really close game at the pub quiz last night. we were just one point off of first place, and if we'd tied again like last week we would have won the tie-breaker. Oh, so close!! and there was one answer we really should have gotten. something about an advice columnist whose real name was esther somethingorother. the team was divided between dear abby and ann landers. i was fairly certain that abby's real name was abigail van buren, but majority ruled and the ann landers camp was outnumbered 7-5. victory could have been ours! oh well, there's always next week.

 

went to grab a muffin at the beginning of break and saw two guys walking along with mini heinekin kegs. it's 10am! no doubt their day will be infinitely more fun than mine.

 

update:

 

haha, check out my "currently reading" box to the left. i provided a description as well. boy, i'm hilarious.

no rush

 

ah... sipping my morning coffee with minutes to spare before having to log in. my mom dropped me off today so i arrived almost 15 minutes early. 2 precious minutes left now.

 

i have a real blog that i will post soon. amanda's happy list. last night i hung out with a friend, and we chatted for a bit about the things in our lives that weren't going the way we wanted, things that were missing, general malaise and heavy hearts. i told him how my sister and i had written up "happy lists" about a decade ago - little things that we love, appreciate, that make life twinkle. it's a good exercise, so we decided to do new happy lists. they came together quickly, each item triggering more and more until we were sputtering out a constant string of happiness.

 

yep, life ain't so bad. as long as you can remember the little pleasures.

victory!!

 

every tuesday, my friends and i go to a pub quiz. we have consistently come in third. Last week we pulled ahead, winning round one (and nachos!), but dropping to second over all. but this tuesday, change was in the air. we tied for fourth in the first round, nothing to be proud of. but round two we felt we had a shot. the tension around the table was palpable as the top five teams were announced. "and for the first time, we have a tie for first place..." oh my god, could it be? YES!!! We were tied for the win! But there are no ties, only one team can be crowned champion. Down to the tie breaker question - which we've never had to use. my friend is ridiculously good at the tie breakers, always coming within metres of estimating mountain heights etc. this week's question was to name the date Sputnik was launched. the answer was given, and as soon as the announcer read the other team's response, we erupted in shouts and cheers. we were only a couple of weeks off!!! WE WON!!! Mayhem ensued, our team being unfamiliar with the taste of victory.

 

it was a fun night, we should win more often. i love the unjustified feeling of superiority, based on sporadic knowledge of useless trivia.

that idiot is ME!

 

so if you catch the evening news and see some moron wobbling down the middle of osborne st, then sloshing through an ankle deep puddle, that's me!

 

running late and hustling to catch my bus as usual this morning, and i notice two camera men set up at the intersection. one of the camera men says to me as i eye my bus across the street "that's sheer ice under that puddle, i'd take the long way around if were you. someone is going to wipe out". i become aware of the massive lake not far in front of me. shit, but my bus!! if i cross the other way first i'll miss the light and my bus for sure. maybe i can go the other way...

 

oh crap, it's slippery. baby steps, baby steps. the puddle stretches much further than i thought, a few car lengths past the bus before i could get around it. the bus starts to move, but there's no way i can cross the final lane. cars go around me as a awkwardly make my way through slush and ice, slipping and sliding. the bus is gone, and i'm still in the middle of the road, still faced with an immense waterway between me and the sidewalk. i have to get off the street, and i've come too far to go back. so.... straight through the puddle i go. my boots are completely immersed, my jeans absorbing filthy brown water up to mid-calf. one misstep and i'll be on my ass, a soggy, humiliated mess.

 

unbelievably, given my usual lack of coordination and grace, i manage to make it to safety unscathed. a bus pulls up 30 seconds later. people at the bus stop stare at my sopping jeans as i attempt to look cool and unphased.

 

all i hope is that this idiocy was not captured on film. with my ridiculous bobbly pom-pom tuque, i'm unmistakable!

killing time

it's not a bad thing, is it? it's different from wasting time, and i
don't think i'm doing that. killing time is just something to fill the
space in the interim. but how long is the interim? what's at the end?

i know there's something better. i've had plenty of times where my life
is more than just a series of time filling activities. i've felt
electrified, impassioned, blown away by happiness! occasionally i still
have flashes of that.

don't get me wrong, i'm not unhappy. i think i'm a pretty happy person.
i have lots of fun, i laugh, the things i fill my time with are
perfectly enjoyable. sometimes i know it's superficial and lacking
substance, but as it's only a temporary measure, i see no reason to
upset the apple cart.

everything is fine. there are plenty of things that make me smile. my
heart may not be at bursting point all the time, but it swells often
enough to make me feel connected to life.

so let's not overthink things. i will appreciate and enjoy things for
what they are. and for now, i'll just keep coasting along. working
monday to friday, playing on the weekends, following a nice routine.
filling time, killing time, and waiting for something more.