the battle ends

it was a long and brave fight, and it came to a merciful end this
morning. the call came at 3am, and we were there within minutes. we
were all with him for his last hours, my mom, jennie and me, holding
his hand, playing his favourite music, my mom reassuring him he didn't
have to be afraid and she would always be with him. we cried. finally,
death rolled into the room like an invisible fog and lovingly took
michael in its quietening embrace.

my mom read a beautiful passage: "let us treasure the time we have, and
resolve to use it well, counting each moment precious - a chance to
apprehend some truth, to experience some beauty... to love and be
loved, to achieve something of worth. help us to fulfill the promise
that is in each of us, and so to conduct ourselves that, generations
hence, it will be true to say of us :the world is better because, for a
brief space, they lived in it"

michael and i had a bit of a rocky past, disagreeing, butting heads and
arguing on many occasions. but we also had great conversations, and
honest and straightforward opinions exchanged. he even ended up being a
compassionate ear, understanding and comforting, in a time when i felt
heartbroken and lost. we had a colourful history, but colour enriches
our lives!

this has been a surreal experience returning to israel. the last time i
was here, just a short while ago, was for jennie and shabi's wedding.
it was all about love, celebration, joy, beginnings, and family. now we
sit here with eyes puffy from tears, reflecting on the past, saying
goodbye, and feeling the grief of loss.

but it isn't all different. it's still about family. and this visit is, without a shadow of a doubt, all about love.

in room 18

today is fairly cloudy here in israel, unlike yesterday which was
gorgeous and sunny. not that it matters what the weather is like, it's
all irrelevant when seen through a window in a hospital room.

writing helps me through emotional times, so i'm sorry if anyone finds
this inappropriate or upsetting. don't read it if that's how you feel.

it's been a while since i've been around anyone who was sick.
...."sick". no, that's not right. that's my way of softening the truth.
it's been a while since i've been around anyone who was dying. and i
don't think i've seen anyone like this.

he shakes a lot, drifting in and out of consciousness. he speaks very
little, only a handful of words a day. when we arrived he definitely
knew us, although there have been other times when i didn't see that
flicker of recognition in his eyes. his hands are constantly moving,
tugging at the sheets or miming some imagined activities. some of these
gestures we can't identify, most of them we can. he'll be pointing, or
kissing his tallit (or other jewish ritual)... or having a cigarette.
that's the worst. dying of lung cancer, and his hands are still going
through the motions of smoking.

we had some excitement just a moment ago. he sat up, eyes totally
alert, and with our help, he stood up! his eyes lit up, he was with us,
really with us. but he's tired out now. so he lays back, holding my
mom's hand to stop him from shaking as she hums a soothing tune, and we
return to our chairs and our books.

this is sad, and disturbing, and i don't know how my mom copes. i've
only been here for two days and i feel this heaviness all around,
crushing down on me, my heart pounding and my blood rushing. sometimes
it's overwhelming and i want to escape outside. but i don't. this is no
time to be selfish. this is no time to avoid that which is upsetting.
this is when we must be strong. if he reaches out, we will be there to
offer a hand.

apologizing into the void

sometimes people take me off their facebook friends list and i couldn't care
less. people paring down their lists to a manageable number, casting
off the casual acquaintances and others who fall into that "facebook
friends, but not real friends" category. totally acceptable and
understandable, i've deleted a few myself.

but today i noticed a certain someone was no longer on my friends list
and it was like a kick to the stomach. i thought we were okay. i
thought we could go back to just being friends. it meant a lot to me; i
cared about him. i still do, he's a good man. and i think i hurt him. i
never wanted that and he definitely didn't deserve it.

i wish i didn't have to lose him as a friend, but it seems i have no
say in it. i didn't want him out of my life, but he's gone. i cried
when i realized this. i feel terrible that i caused it. i tried to do
the right thing, but i guess i'd left it too late.

i know you'll never read this, but i'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. tu me manques.

chemistry

such a strange and powerful thing. it's either there or it isn't. you
can't explain it. you can't force it. and you definitely can't control
it.

in high school, when our class wasn't paying attention or someone gave
a bit of rebellious teenage attitude, our chemistry teacher would tell
us "chemistry will punish you!". i always thought that was funny.

i think in general people understand the importance of having chemistry
with someone. you can list off all the great things about a person, all
the reasons why you should want them, but it does no good. something is
missing, and infinite items in the pro column can't outweigh that one
little fact on the con side.

i hate chemistry. i hate that i need it so much, i hate that i can't
choose where it happens, and i hate that i've let it have so much
control over me. i've accepted that it is something i am not able to do
without, but i also know it can't be the only thing. other than that i
have no idea what i'm doing.

chemistry will punish me alright. i have no doubt about it.

dreaming of ick

 

so i had a disgusting dream last night. i was on a special investigation team, very important people we were. kind of a combination SWAT/CSI/FBI people. mucho impressive. anyway, there was an old apartment building that we were checking into for some reason. people were acting strangely. we realized that there was an unknown illness in the building, and quarantined the whole place. hysteria set in as we basically just blocked off all entrances and exits, trapping all the tenants inside. people were banging on doors and walls, trying to push through the makeshift barricades of bookshelves and sofas, shouting to let them out, they weren't sick. but this foreign disease was lethal, contagious, and incurable.

 

we were circling the building, establishing a perimeter to try to contain the disease. i felt something in my mouth and spit it out. maggots! one of my co-workers looked at me in a panic. i had caught it. he wanted me to get out of there, away from danger, but i knew it was too late. i ran back to the apartment building, demanding to be let in. i needed to be a part of the quarantine. my co-worker told me not to, maybe i wasn't fully infected. if i went in the building it was a death sentence. "let me in!" i screamed, "i can't stay out here. i'm already infected. at least if i go on the inside maybe i can get some answers". i pushed in past all the others desperate to get out.

 

the building was dark and musty, full of death. something was very wrong. i kept choking and spitting out maggots that were manifesting in my mouth. there were strange eggs everywhere. someone ate one and said he didn't feel so good. globs of slimy pink goo were dripping from stairs, furniture and walls. the next thing i remember i was outside. there had been a massive outbreak and the whole world was in a state of chaos. i had discovered that alien plants were the cause. flowers about two stories tall were in the yard. they sort of looked like the fire power flowers from super mario, except their bulbs were hot pink and sparkled. they kept spitting out masses of the pink slime, and anyone that was hit became infected. i was getting worse, maggots constantly filling my mouth and me continuously spitting them out. it turns out that that the guy who had eaten the egg was the only one immune to the virus. i thought if i could get to one i could fight back. and if not, i was as good as dead anyway.  i pushed through the onslaught of falling slime, trying to shield people as i went, taking the hit myself. i got right up to one of the gigantic flowers and saw an ostrich sized egg. i was covered in goo, maggots all over me and inside me. i grabbed the egg.

i saw a news report. it was showing the countries that were eradicating the disease. slowly the globe was recovering. i think i found a cure but it was too late for me.

thoughts? aside from how revolting that is.

techincal difficuties

 

borrrrrrrrrrrrrring. we had a power failure about an hour an a half ago. several city blocks were down. for the first 30 minutes we had no power and we all waited around, unable to do anything, wondering if we'd close for the day. but we didn't. power came back on. but we're still having problems with the phones. no calls are coming in and we're all just sitting about trying to keep ourselves amused with the limited internet surfing we have access to.

 

ugh, this is so dull! why can't they just send us all home for the day? that'd be nice. i'd go shopping. i'm sick of all my clothes and i can justify buying new stuff now that fall is here and winter's around the corner. all my cute summer dresses and whatnot will get tucked away and hibernate for several months. i NEED new clothes.

 

i need something to do. i'm so restless sitting in front of this computer, tethered to my silent phone... man this makes the day go slowly.

new and improved

 

man, i feel awesome! it's amazing how a great haircut can make you so happy. i LOVE my new look. it looks fantastic. i'm sorry, but it's impossible to be modest with a haircut this good. it's exactly what i wanted. i'm so lucky that one of my best friends is such a genius hair dresser.

 

yup, i feel good alright. confident, strong, and very cute :)

 

on the weekend i ran into a guy i'd had a date with once. a really good date that for whatever reason just didn't go anywhere. and when i saw him the other day he was all flattering and charming and all that jazz. it was fun to talk and flirt with him again. but it's still a dead end situation, which is fine by me. i know exactly what to expect from him. nothing. he's a smooth talker and i admit that i definitely fall for all that charm - i'm a sucker, i know! but that's all it is. and that's okay. as i said, i enjoyed the flirtation and compliments, but i'm looking for more than that. plenty of lovely things were said, great for the ego, but actions speak louder than words, and i deserve someone who's more than just talk. besides, he reminds me far too much of the ex from last summer... it's like i gravitated to somone just like him. my friend even thought they looked similar. no need to have a sequel to that!

 

anyway, i'm feeling terrific. hurray for the new and improved amanda!