The end, part II

So I went on the dump date. I actually found myself strangely excited for it. But maybe it was just nerves. We changed our plans of going for coffee, to going for a stiff drink. Damn straight! He was there first, and I could tell he felt awkward. I kind of felt sorry for him. But not sorry enough to let him off the hook. When I arrived, i realized this wasn't about me getting dumped again, it was about making him step up and do it like a man, no matter how uncomfortable it made him feel.

After about 5 minutes of inconsequential chitchat, I decided to get the ball rolling.

"So tell me what's been going on. The rule tonight is you have to answer all my questions, and answer them honestly and completely". He agreed.

He filled me in on the crap with his kids, which was definitely much worse than I imagined. Job dissatisfaction as well. But let's cut to the chase buddy. What ELSE? The real reason we're here having this conversation. I already know, but you have to tell me.

So he did. And it was disappointing to be right, but cathartic as well. Basically, the cole's notes version: he really liked me from the start, saw potential, was excited and after a year of being single, felt ready to try for a relationship. Things were great, he felt really good with me, started to get close. And suddenly, getting close reminded him of the ex. Started thinking of her at times he was with me. Like having coffee and doing the crossword in the morning. And there it was. He wasn't over her after all. A year later, he wants to try to reconcile. Doesn't help that they reconnected recently, she has a relationship with the kids etc.

As much as it might be easier to be angry, I couldn't be. He was being truthful, trying to be fair to me. Maybe he could have done so sooner, and he wasn't without faults, but who ever does these things right? So yeah, disappointing to be runner up, but what can ya do? Gotta follow your heart, i suppose.

I was a breeze to break up with. Sure, I took a few jabs here and there, but that's totally acceptable. Overall, I was ridiculously supportive. What's wrong with me?? We ended up having very honest conversation, laughing, getting along like it was any other day. And I could see that was upsetting and confusing to him. There was definite conflict in whatever he was feeling. That made me feel a bit better. That's right, I'm fantastic, see what you gave up? And several times he shook his head and said he was probably making a huge mistake. But I don't believe he is. Staying with me when he had unresolved feelings for someone else would be the mistake. Because he would always wonder. Now he will have to find out.

The end, part I

Little by little I'm getting pieces of the story. Not a story I like,
but I suppose better than just a blank final chapter. He hasn't
definitively spelled it out yet, but basically all the letters are on
the page, I just have to push them together. Like the two-headed
spelling monster on Sesame Street.

"E......."
".......X"
"E..."
"...X"
"E.."
"..X"

*lightbulb flash of realization*

"Ex!" And the two-headed monster bops around cheerfully in self-congratulations, repeating its discovery. Only less cheerful bopping on my end.

We're supposed to get together tomorrow to talk, so I guess I'll get
the details of the story then. I don't even know what the point is
anymore. I thought I wanted to see him again, get the dignity of an
explanation in person, as opposed to being dumped via a Facebook email.
But thinking about it now, it doesn't seem that comforting. Kinda just
seems like being dumped twice.

So, I guess I'll just see what he has to say for himself tomorrow,
although I know it's about a past relationship coming back into the
picture. "An open door from the past that I haven't closed yet" is
hardly unbreakable code.

Ugh. Not looking forward to this conversation. I know I will just feel
shitty and sad. But I guess I have to get it over and done with. Get my
lousy answer that I see coming, don't want to hear, and still won't
understand or want to believe. Then hopefully the denial won't linger
too long after that.

Stay tuned for the next installment of this abject tale of woe - coming soon!

No statute of limitations on the jinx

I thought i was past the jinx point. No such thing. All has gone from ridiculously awesome - i hesitate to use the word "perfect", only due to retrospective knowledge - to total crap (no hesitation on that one). Who knows what happened... I could speculate, but I don't see the point. The only point is that it's over and done with. One minute it was fantastic with loads of potential; the next it was needless stress and worry.

One thing I can say with confidence regarding the disintegration of this relationship (do I use quotation fingers on that one??) is: it was not my doing. Often I could take credit for the ruination of a relationship, but not this time. I don't know what it was, and I'm sorry that it is the way it is, because I really liked this one. But whatever happened, it was on his end. Not that it's a great comfort though. The end is still the same: an end.

Geegollygosh, he's back!

Got a call out of the blue yesterday.

"Hey Amanda! You'll never
guess who this is!" He was right. I didn't recognize the number or the
voice on the other end. Didn't feel like playing guessing games either,
and although I was urged to take three guesses, I took zero.
Eventually, seconds away from hanging up in exasperation, he mentioned
where we'd had drinks. And then it clicked.

Diet Pepsi guy. Mr. Aw-heck-can-you-borrow-me-

$5
pushover! Why the hell was he calling?? It had been over two months
since we went on our ill-fated date; there was no reason to contact me.
We weren't even friend compatible!

I didn't know how to get off
the phone, but I didn't exactly have anything to say to him either. He
babbled on about god knows what. Panama, for some unknown reason. Small
chat about holidays, I mentioned I was going to New York, to which he
responded, "do you like Madonna?" What the hell does that have to do
with anything???? It was time to end this nonsense.

I flailed
frantically at my sister in the hallway, and with the mouth piece
covered, whispered for her to get me out of this. So she obliged by
yelling purposefully "Amanda, I need the phone! I have to leave right
away" Oh, so sorry, must run. Nice catching up. Bye now.

And let's hope that's the end of that.

bah

This weekend is disappointing already. Yesterday I was so tired and just looking forward to a nice movie night with the boy. But the boy cancelled because he had issues with his kids. And of course I'm not allowed to get annoyed about that because obviously he has to deal with that stuff first, that'd be totally insensitive of me, blah blah blah. Anyway, it's not the end of the world, I'm just being selfish.

Tonight I'm going to see a band that I think should be quite good. I saw them last year and had fun. At the moment I'm not in the mood for going to a club, but hopefully by tonight I will be. Also, I want to try and get some nice earrings to go with my dress for my dad's wedding. I love my dress. Lovelovelovelove it.

Let's see, the best thing so far this weekend was doing the crossword this morning. A) I had a really good cup of coffee with it. And B) we figured out the NY Times which was very tricky! Instead of actually spelling out words of elements like "gold" "lead" "silver" etc, you had to put in their chemical symbol. Of course it didn't tell you that, I just figured it out. So the answer for the clue "trying to win" was "going for the au". We're so clever. Yay!!

Woo, what a weekend.

slow news day

Today i'm going to organize my closet. Yep, those are my big plans. I think i'll also clean the bathroom. What a wild sunday indeed! But closet first. Away go all the summer clothes :( I'm sure organizing my closet will further reinforce my need to buy new clothes. I'm so bored of everything i own. Sigh...

I'm excited for my soon-to-be-pristine closet. okay, i haven't really done anything yet, but when it's ready, it'll be fantastic. So far i've tidied about one square foot. It was piles of shoes i never wear, my boxing gloves, a single slipper, and stacks of loose leaf from god knows when. I'll give the latter to my sister, seeing as i no longer have need for school supplies. I also finally threw away a deflated balloon from my birthday. Yes, my birthday was 8 months ago, but this was a really big, fancy balloon!

Alrighty, off i go!

skin cancer, cavities, and evil leprechauns

 

Too much overanalyzing...

 

Must remember to see the grey cloud within that silver lining. Or better yet, stop staring up at the clouds entirely! I won't enjoy the walk, and i'll probably just end up tripping or walking into a tree.

sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

Okay, I think it's kind of safe to elaborate a bit. I kept it to myself for almost a month, but i think i'm past the jinxable stage now.

I've been dating someone for the last month, and everything is great. Amazing, actually. I won't gush too much, because it's a bit annoying when people ramble on about how wonderful things are... but things are kind of wonderful! I get all giddy when i think about him, and can't stop smiling. Even writing this, i keep stopping because i get lost in daydreamy thoughts. Our first date was the best first date i've ever had; everything was so easy and comfortable and fun. We just clicked. And unbelievably, it just seems to be getting better.

Of course it has just been a month, so it's nothing serious at this point. Right now i'm just enjoying it, savouring the newness, letting those butterflies do their thing in my belly, and allowing myself to follow wherever it is leading.