when life gets dull...

 

Add some drama by making stupid decisions!

 

That seems to be my philosophy. Before i continue, a brief update.

 

1) cute boy and I saw each other for about a month. sometimes he was keen, sometimes he seemed disinterested. we stopped hanging out. i didn't care because we had nothing in common. he wasn't especially interesting, smart, funny or skilled in... um... other areas. just cute. so no loss.

 

2) jackass and i started speaking again. despite my initial ickiness at seeing him unexpectedly, we now seem to be on friendly terms.

 

So tonight i agreed to hang out with cute boy. why? Tomorrow i am supposed to catch up with jackass. why? why?

 

WHY NOT! nothing happening in my life, might as well shake it up with unneeded foolishness. If i had any sense whatsoever i'd ditch them both. But i don't. Wheeeee!

 

 

i should have said...

i'm great at coming up with witty comebacks and clever responses. too bad they come to me long after the moment has passed.

my cute bus driver made some joke about celebrating my 23rd birthday and i got all tongue tied because he had initiated the conversation. couldn't think of anything remotely funny or smart to say. granted, i'm not at my most alert first thing in the morning, but i'd better get on the ball so i don't look like a total moron!

of course once i was off the bus i thought of something amusing to say. too late though. sigh.....

the worst birthday gift

 

Deportation.

 

My brother-in-law to be has the same birthday as me - yesterday. Yesterday he got a letter saying that his request for an extension on his visa had been declined and he was to leave the country immediately. How horrible! I have no idea why they won't let him stay. He isn't working, he's just living with us and has the finances to support himself. i'm not sure what's going to happen. obviously they were both very upset. he has a ticket to go back to isreal already, but not for another 3 weeks. are they going to make him leave sooner? are they going to let him come back? this seems really unfair. sometimes i just don't understand the mentality of our government. and i work for them!

 

as for me, my birthday was fine. i worked and was in a great mood. told cute bus driver it was my birthday and he wished me a great day. apparently after i got off the bus he asked one of the other regulars how old i was and guessed 23. haha! no one has thought i was that young in years! that little devil, so clearly in love with me :p

 

had dinner with my mom et al. went home, checked out all my happy birthday messages on facebook, chatted with a couple of friends, then played rock band until far too late. all in all not a bad day.

off to save lives

 

I'm going to give blood today. i've never done it before, although i've wanted to for years. the commercials they used to play always brought a tear to my eye. think of all the good i could do!

 

now i'm nervous. i remember how squirmy i get around needles. i've heard people feel faint. a pint of blood seems like a lot! i had a couple of pieces of toast because they said to eat something beforehand. but now i feel queazy with nerves. ack! okay, okay, it's fine. you're doing a good thing amanda.

 

it's time. be a hero. go go go!

zombified

 

me. zombie. ugh. sleeeeeeeeeep.

 

what i thought would just be a couple of quiet drinks with a friend last night turned into some high quality, all night revelry. and don't get me wrong, i love revelry, i revel in revelry, but reveling til 6am on a week night doesn't feel like such a good idea anymore. it turns out i don't fucntion at optimal levels on only an hour's sleep. go figure. but that said, it was all worth it. clearly i needed to unwind and let off some steam. A bit of irresponsible merrymaking was just the thing! definitely expelled any lingering grumpiness.

 

despite my exhaustion, i managed to exchange a few pleasantries with my bus driver. some comments on being tired and he asked if i wanted a shot of whiskey, the thought of which was enough to turn my stomach. what can i say - even when i'm rough and haggard my charms are irresistable :p 

a break in the complaining

 

today is off to a lovely start! i exchanged more than my usual three words (good morning, bye) with my cute bus driver. yep, a whole couple of sentences, all smiley and jokey. now we have a conversation history of about 8 sentences combined! very exciting. clearly he's smitten.

 

the work day started off with reading time, followed by a meeting, so the first hour just flew by. in fact, this whole week seems to be going fairly quickly. it's almost weekend time again!

 

i'm going to go nuke my cold half cup of coffee now. then back to work!

and another thing...

 

add to the grumpy list:

 

dry limes, instruction manuals, people that don't return calls or texts, only having time to drink half a cup of coffee, my parking spot, waiting on hold, making time-consuming mistakes, feeling rushed, feeling restless, feeling bored, feeling anxious, unevenly sliced bagels, warm apples and static.

 

alright, let's try to balance things out with some positives for god's sake.

 

things i don't hate:

 

my pad of post-its; they're a nice orange colour. that's about it for now.

ARRGHHH!!!

 

Holy fucking crap am I ever grumpy today. I just want to let out a string of profanity while punching whatever might be around. Today I am a hater. I hate everything and everyone. I hate this city. I hate my house. I hate my clothes. I hate my short lunch break. I hate everyone who talks to me or looks at me. I hate my headset. I hate this weather. I hate boys. I hate girls. I hate babies and puppies and rainbows and love and fluffy bunnies. I hate hating everything and I hate my insufferable complaining.

 

Stay outta my way I tell ya!

unpleasant encounter

I checked off "forgive" on my 2007 to-do list. Maybe that was premature. I wanted to let go of any residual anger, I wanted to clean the slate. I thought that I needed to replace a horrible ending with something less unpleasant. A couple of months ago I'd said i didn't care to maintain a friendship with a certain someone who had wronged me. I didn't feel my usual need to hang on to something, remain positive, think the best etc. But it didn't last. I made that stupid list and decided to extend my forgiveness. I was back to my old way of thinking. Be positive, give people more chances, be friendly with people instead of hating them. So I sent a text message saying I hated leaving things so ugly, hoped he had a happy new year, and perhaps some day we might be friends again. He replied saying he hoped so too, happy new year, talk to you in the new year. I felt good about it. I thought i was able to put that nastiness behind me. I felt happier.

But tonight i saw him unexpectedly. I walked into a restaurant with a friend and there he was, sitting at the first table. My first reaction was to avert my eyes, pretend i hadn't seen him. But i could see in my peripheral vision that he'd noticed me and was looking at me. It really would have been impossible to miss him. So I looked at him and said hi as we walked past. It was a very awkward moment, and I can't even describe the look on his face. I think neither of us knew what to do. It was awful. Oh, one reason it was so terrible is that he seemed to be on a date, possibly back with the ex-girlfriend. If he'd been with a friend or something, i may have gone up to say a real hello. But there was no way I could walk up to that table. My friend and I sat down and i was shaking. My stomach was all in knots and all I was aware of was that he was sitting a few tables away.

I felt angry all over again. All those feelings I thought had been lain to rest were suddenly flooding back. All my noble ideas of forgiveness - bah! I don't have to give it a nice, neat ending. I don't have to try and salvage a friendship. I don't have to think good or bad or anything at all about him! I misunderstood the notion of forgiveness. It was for me, not for him. Forgiving him lifted a burden from me, but it all could have been done internally. Reaching out and acknowledging it was not a courtesy I needed to extend to him.

I did not like seeing him. That brief moment was all the discomfort I can handle. The only upside is that I'd just had my hair done and I was looking pretty damn good!

a dirty girl in the bedroom

People usually think i'm a pretty nice, respectable girl.  But they don't know I have a dark side. Behind closed doors, I'm not what you might expect. I know many people would judge me for my choice of lifestyle, and I often feel ashamed myself, but I lack the self-discipline and will power to change my ways. In the bedroom, I'm a dirty, dirty girl.

I mean really, it's disgusting. You can barely find floor space to walk. It's hazardous! Let me take you on a tour of the pigsty I live in.

Note the huge pile of laundry that takes up half the couch. At least
it's clean. Rock Band now clutters the room, and we've had to drag in
the piano bench for our drummer. Back a bit further is a crate with
miscellaneous things piled in it - clothes, gifts from the holidays
etc. It's an improvement from a few days ago when the individual items
were strewn outside of the crate. Beside that is an empty suitcase.
From when I went to NY. That's right, it's been sitting there for 3
months. There's some crap piled on top of it too, random papers, a box
of souvenirs from China, and so forth. Behind that is the box my dvd
player came in with more junk on top. Barely visible beside the unmade
bed is a bouquet of dried roses that used to be hanging but have since
fallen down. I believe they're 10 years old. And of course all the
other mess that's not captured in this photo. Knitting supplies, dvds,
books, crosswords, piles of dead batteries, papers, dust bunnies the
size of actual bunnies.... oy.

It's not always this bad. I don't know how it got to this point. But
the excessiveness of it all makes me want to keep it. It's so horrible,
it's fascinating!

I will add "clean room" to my new list of things to accomplish before the year is up.