just what the doctor ordered

today i hit the one year mark of being smoke free. yay! this is actually my second time at this milestone. when i left scotland in september of 2003, i kicked the habit for the first time. for over two years i remained a committed non-smoker. i traveled throughout asia but refrained from enjoying a holiday smoke with my beachside beers. i partied with some old pals in australia and new zealand, but didn't slip up with a drunken drag. i moved to china, and was stressed, frustrated, and crying with helplessness - oh god a cigarette would be so good, a pack is only 30¢, just to get me through this first bit - even then i resisted!

then i returned to scotland in november of 2005, where a pack of smokes cost over $10, and i embraced my vice with open lungs. i had a wanton 2-week fling with tobacco and abandoned it abruptly upon my return to canada. but i'd opened that door.... although the addiction didn't immediately suck me back into its yellow fingered clutches, slowly but surely i found myself a smoker again. i felt a little annoyed with myself for losing control of things, but at the same time i had one crucial piece of knowledge that allowed me to continue smoking, more or less guilt and worry free: i quit before, i can do it again. when i'm ready.

i pushed back that quitting date a few times. i mean come on, i'm clearly not going to quit in the summer; that's primo smokin' time! patios and backyard bbqs and bonfires at the farm. nope, not a good time to quit. and i'm not going to quit right after new years, too cliche. plus, i'll want to be able to smoke on my birthday. then a year ago today i took my last cigarette out of the pack. huh, last one. and that was it, i decided. cold turkey.

i'm proud of myself. i think i should be, second kick at the cat or not. i get nostalgic for smoking at times, missing the ritual of it more than the thing itself. i liked relaxed mornings with my coffee and a smoke. and who can dispute the synergy of beer and cigarettes? when scribbling in my journal, imagining i was a brilliant writer, my burning cigarette seemed the perfect prop. but whatever, i suppose being able to run 10 minutes without panting is ok too.

fyi, "just what the doctor ordered" is actually an old slogan for L&M cigarettes. i like irony.

ooh, smoking was so fun back in those days! look how carefree they are, rewarding themselves with a smooth, smoky treat

not quite as glamorous these days