the motherload

rummaging... i do this quite often in my spare time. my family has
never been quick to throw things out, so we've got boxes of old
mementos to sift through. certain things remain simply because they've
been put away and forgotten, while the nostalgic and sentimental value
of others is more evident. i've been enjoying some good rummaging
today, and here are some of the little treasures and surprises i've
come across.

- my old sports walkman and a pile of tapes (rock on, bryan adams)
- rainbowed "amanda" stickers from grade 1 (i'm going to put one on my computer at work)
- a can of coke from russia, best before 11/96 (completely evaporated)
- 4 cans of NZ beer, circa 1996 (those can't be good)
- name tags, order pads and packs of matches from the olive garden
(along with completed comment cards saying what an excellent server i
was! why didn't i hand those in??)
- jurassic park trading cards, magazines, stickers, calendars and other merchandise (oy, so embarrassing)
- mr sketch smelly markers (mmm, cinnamon)
- a stack of Mad magazines (what, me packrat?)

but i've found what i was looking for. the good stuff. all my old
letters and postcards dating back over 15 years. remember that postcard
you sent me from your grade 9 trip to seaworld? i still have it. the
letters sent to me while i lived abroad? all safely filed away. but
there's more. i have the letters i
sent too. that's right, i'm a nerd and keep carbon copies or
photocopies of all of my outgoing letters. anything i've ever written
to you, whether mailed or hand-delivered, i have a copy of it. and then
of course there are the journals, going back to 1988.

i'm going to go read for a bit now. i'm sure i'll have some goodies to share as i go through!

second impressions

thank god for them! sure, first impressions make one hell of an impact, but that's just a glance at the surface. luckily we don't have to adhere to our initial judgments of someone. and that can work in their favour or against them.

i've been unimpressed upon first meeting some people. for whatever reasons i don't like them or maybe i just don't find them noteworthy. but then they can surprise me once i get to know them a bit better. sometimes the change of heart is sudden, sometimes it evolves over time. i've been good friends with a girl since high school, and yet when we first met i thought she was a snob. i don't think she liked me much either. thank goodness for second chances!

of course it can go the other way too. that first impression can blow me away. and when this is the case i find it harder for those re-evaluations to take hold. that early conception that they are fun, interesting, exciting, whatever... it can blind me to the unfavourable reality. perhaps i don't want to see the truth because the persona i originally imagined is so much more pleasing. but once again, first impressions aren't immutable. a single act can open my eyes, or maybe my vision clears over time. and what a relief!

it's not always easy to accept that i've been wrong about someone, but in the end i'm so grateful. abandonning my first impressions has allowed me to develop true friendships with wonderful people, and ditch the losers that are nothing more than a charming facade.

first dates

 

bah! i hate them.

 

i agreed to go on a date with someone the other night, and almost immediately i regretted it. i'm just not in the mood for first dates! they can be very exciting, but only if you really want them. i felt indifferent. it seemed like a chore. it was a perfectly nice date, he was nice, we got along, had fun etc etc. but i just don't care! he asked if we could go out again and i said sure. bah!!! i hate dating!!! i'm sure i would be more than happy to accept second dates with certain people, but i just don't want to put the effort into someone new.

 

it's annoying because we got on really well, he seems like the type of person that i should like. but oh no, those are never the kind of people i get excited for. i don't know if i have a "type" or not, although my friends have joked that my type is older, divorced single dads with teenage kids. ha! i certainly don't go looking for that type, but yes, the last two men i have been interested in have fit that description. it's all about spark! i want to feel giddy when i look at them. i want to daydream about them. i don't want to dread the end of a perfectly enjoyable evening because of the is-there-a-kiss-or-isn't-there moment. bah!!!! although i had a fun time last night, i found myself comparing it to the first dates with my darling divorcees. now there was spark! no dreading a kiss moment, only the eagerness to grab it mid-date. sigh...

 

i hate dating.

last it is then

some people just don't care. the world is all about them and they will do whatever it takes to improve their lot, regardless of who is hurt along the way. there have been several incidents in the past week that have upset me, i will just mention the last. today i tried to appeal to a person's sense of humanity, asked them to have compassion, find it in their heart to do the right thing. but they remained unmoved. tears meant nothing, heartache and grief "not their problem". i don't remember the last time i've felt such coldness. usually i have a fairly positive outlook and i believe that people are inherently good. but suddenly, all i could see was a world rampant with greed and selfishness.

we did not leave the situation completely defeated, but his eventual concession was not a victory. he just got fed up and provided enough to get rid of us. is that the majority of the world? are people just callous and indifferent to one another? are respect and empathy for your fellow man only weaknesses? nice guys finish last, they say! at times i just want to say fine, fuck you all, i can be just as hard and self-serving!

...i feel somewhat better now. i had my favourite ice cream with my sister, talked to a few people back home, and thought about my wonderful family and friends. i am lucky to have people i can count on, people with good hearts, people that care. and occasionally i'll even meet a kind stranger that reaffirms my faith in humankind.

i will encounter plenty of assholes in this world, but i will not let them set the moral standard. maybe nice guys finish last, but i for one, am not willing to win at any cost.