Dr. Dick

I was reading Margie's blog about her frustrating doctor's visit, and it reminded me of a very infuriating experience of my own, that I've now decided to jot down.

About two years ago I had my first panic attack. I had no idea what was going on. I woke up like any other morning, doodeedoo ladeeda, but minutes later my heart was racing and pounding hard. I found it difficult to breathe, see clearly, walk, or even lift my arm to brush my teeth. To get to the point, the doctor said it was a panic attack (despite the fact I didn't consciously feel stressed) and gave me some nice little chill pills. I didn't use them often, but they did help if I ever needed it.

Anyhoo, I was feeling extremely agitated after coming home from China. Even when I was in a good mood, I felt this frenzied turmoil bubbling under my skin. It worsened and became unbearable. I wasn't eating well or sleeping. I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and have massive convulsions to try to purge this violent anxiety that consumed me. I went to the doctor.

"You're clearly agitated." Wow. I understand now why they need all those years of med school. He asked what was going on in my life and when I was last happy. Not counting a good day here or there, the last time I was really happy was traveling. "That doesn't count. That's just a vacation". He then proceeded to ask why I had done so much traveling in the last 5 years, and told me that all of that was just "stalling. Putting off real life". What a jackass! I started to get really angry and defensive. First of all, what the hell kind of moron is he, telling his uber-stressed patient how she has wasted the last 5 years of her life?? I think that's a bunch of bullshit, by the way, I have no regrets about my choices. He continues to point out that now I'm 29, living at home, no job, no boyfriend, friends all settled with proper jobs and husbands etc. Oh yes, this is helping the anxiety, thank you very much. I defended my years of travel and all the amazing experiences it had given me, and he just dismissed it with a "pfft" and pompous shrug. ARGH!!!! I calmly told him I that if I had the strength I would yank that stupid sink from the wall and smash it to bits.

I got some more chill pills.

not with a bang but a whimper....

Big event in Winnipeg this morning: the implosion of our old arena. My brother and I decided we wanted to be a part of this moment, so we went down there this
morning, just after 6am. They were scheduled to implode it at around 7:15,
and the streets were being cordoned off at 6:30. There were already lots
of people there, and more kept pouring in. This was the end of an era, and it turned out quite a few Winnipegers wanted to honour it. Or maybe just see something blow up. We sat in the warmth of the car for a bit, but at about 6:45 we got out
and joined the crowds to claim a good viewing spot. We climbed up a mound of filthy snow and had a fantastic view.

All around us people were reminiscing over their steaming cups of Tim Hortons coffees. Stories of concerts, Jets games and even a wedding on centre ice were being passed around the chilly parking lot. Even me, who attended only my beloved Stars on Ice shows a handfull of concerts, felt sad to say goodbye to the ugly old arena. Change is often so bittersweet.

At about 7:20 they
gave the 5 minute warning siren, and people started to get excited. Then the one minunte warning....this was it..... then.... BOOM!!
It was wonderfully loud and I couldn't help but jump and let out an involuntary squeal. Then it rumbled like thunder as the building
began to slip away, a cloud of dust rising and drifting across to the
stadium nextdoor. But wait... the arena was still standing! Everyone kind of looked around, not sure what was happening. Was there going to be another round of explosions? Was this supposed to happen? Some of the building had
definitely collapsed, but a lot was still there too. After a few minutes the news eventually made it to the crowd that not all the explosives had detonated as planned, and the four major steel pillars of the arena still had their dynamite perfectly intact. It was as if the arena had just sluffed its coat off, shed its outter skin, but still stood upright, stubbornly standing its ground. It wasn't giving up without a fight.

So, this is the way the arena ends. Who knows what will happen now. After they had determined the explosives weren't going to go off and the headstong arena skeleton wouldn't suddenly collapse, we were all allowed to leave. I guess that bittersweet change isn't quite ready to happen today.   I knew Winnipeg
had some pretty tenacious, persevering people - you have to be to put
up with our weather - but I didn't know our buildings would be just as
tough!

Could you?

Despite the wide array of sometimes horrifying public toilets I've used, I'm not sure if I could use this one....


  

Looks pretty clean. But I bet there's lots of grubby hand and face prints on the outside from weirdos trying to look in.

On a side note, my old hosting site (Walagata) stopped being free so now all my old pictures are trapped unless I become a paying member. Grr!

Nostalgia and restlessness

You know, for a while I was so excited to "settle down". Get a proper job, start accumulating grown up possessions, stop being a nomad for once etc. But I'm restless again. Perhaps it was bound to happen sooner or later, but I sort of thought I'd last a bit longer than 4 months. And the fact that I'm tied down with this job -  regardless of the fact that I like it and really wanted it - is freaking me out. I really want to go back to China, and I have no idea when that will be possible. Because I wouldn't just want a 2 week holiday, I'd want two months. My contract with Cdn Heritage isn't over until the beginning of September, so I'm here til then at least. But if I have the opportunity to keep working there, that would probably be a wise idea. Oh, I don't know.

I wish I felt nice and settled here. But I just keep daydreaming about taking off again. Something is missing in my life.

Sometimes I feel overly emotional about really trivial things. I miss things that are insignificant: food, drinks, tv shows, shops.... Why does the absence of these material items leave me with such an empty spot? My heart was aching the other day because we don't get Lime Fanta here. Hell, we don't get Fanta at all, but I really really missed my Lime Fanta! And moon pies. And rice noodles. And all sorts of delicious Chinese food that I can't get here. And little 3-wheeled cabs that look like tictacs. Walking across the street amidst insane traffic. Going to KTV (karaoke). Funny looking feathered hackysacks. 85 cent dvds. Claw machines with adorable Winnie-the-poohs! And that's just China, I haven't even touched on Scotland. There are things from everywhere I've been that I'm now without, and sometimes I feel like that loss is just too much.

The grass is always greener, I suppose. When I'm away I crave a permanent home, and when I'm home I just want to rush back out into the world again. Will I ever find a happy medium??

nothing of interest

So, work is going swimmingly. Why do people say that anyway? Swimmingly. Hmm. I mean, I know not a lot of people say it, but it is a saying. What does swimming have to do with anything?

Anyhoo. Some days have been very productive, and other days have been taken up with meetings and teleconferences and... lunch. Suddenly the day is over and I wonder what the hell I did. Not that I'm complaining. Today a whole group of us went for Chinese food because one of the employees is leaving on Friday. That was fun. Unfortunately they didn't have any of my favourite dishes on the menu, but delicious nonetheless. Man, I really want to go back to China for a visit.

Oh crap, just remembered I have to do laundry. What excitement. I thought that I'd had something I'd wanted to say, but now I can't remember. Goddamnitall.

Sleeeeeeep

Damn, this work stuff sure is tiring! I don't know how sitting in front of a computer all day can take so much out of me. I wasn't this exhausted after playing with kids all day or teaching or even waitressing split shifts! My mom's theory is that I'm mentally drained from learning new stuff. Umm... I guess that'll do since I don't have any other explanation.

So, just a brief update because it's almost 930 and I'm about to collapse: new job is good! My cubicle is very nice as far as cubicles go, it even has a window with venetian blind. Of course if I were to look out the window I would only see the hallway and the cubicle across the way. But still, it's quite cozy, but spacious enough. And I have shelves and a filing cabinet and a nice U-shaped desk, and my very own work email and even my own phone line! Yep, not too shabby. Perhaps I will take my camera in to work soon.

Okay, I'm pathetic and have to go to bed now.

Peanut infections

So my time at the daycare is done. I'm sad, I'll miss those kids. They're so loving and sweet and everything good! One of my favourites, Jack (the visionary behind "the Eyeball of Death"), always made me laugh, and my last day was no exception.

We're walking back to the daycare after picking them up from nursery, and Jack is telling me about his trip to Barbados. He got to swim in the ocean and jump off the boat and swim by the boat and he saw fish and had goggles to see underwater etc etc. I asked him what his favourite part about Barbados was. "The best part was jumping off the boat and also seeing coral reef and also not getting a penis infection because I had that once and it's terrible." Haha! Yes, NOT getting a penis infection always makes for a good vacation. He then went on to explain to me about bacteria. "And some people call it a peanut, but it's not really." Thanks Jack, I am much wiser now!

What a great place to work. I'll have to go back and visit my little guys some day.