Sunday, March 19, 2006

Nostalgia and restlessness

You know, for a while I was so excited to "settle down". Get a proper job, start accumulating grown up possessions, stop being a nomad for once etc. But I'm restless again. Perhaps it was bound to happen sooner or later, but I sort of thought I'd last a bit longer than 4 months. And the fact that I'm tied down with this job -  regardless of the fact that I like it and really wanted it - is freaking me out. I really want to go back to China, and I have no idea when that will be possible. Because I wouldn't just want a 2 week holiday, I'd want two months. My contract with Cdn Heritage isn't over until the beginning of September, so I'm here til then at least. But if I have the opportunity to keep working there, that would probably be a wise idea. Oh, I don't know.

I wish I felt nice and settled here. But I just keep daydreaming about taking off again. Something is missing in my life.

Sometimes I feel overly emotional about really trivial things. I miss things that are insignificant: food, drinks, tv shows, shops.... Why does the absence of these material items leave me with such an empty spot? My heart was aching the other day because we don't get Lime Fanta here. Hell, we don't get Fanta at all, but I really really missed my Lime Fanta! And moon pies. And rice noodles. And all sorts of delicious Chinese food that I can't get here. And little 3-wheeled cabs that look like tictacs. Walking across the street amidst insane traffic. Going to KTV (karaoke). Funny looking feathered hackysacks. 85 cent dvds. Claw machines with adorable Winnie-the-poohs! And that's just China, I haven't even touched on Scotland. There are things from everywhere I've been that I'm now without, and sometimes I feel like that loss is just too much.

The grass is always greener, I suppose. When I'm away I crave a permanent home, and when I'm home I just want to rush back out into the world again. Will I ever find a happy medium??


shabi said...

no.   muah-hahahahahahahahahaha!  kidding. :)
maybe you are just a nomad.  maybe we\'ve got some gypsie blood.  hehe.
or maybe winnipeg isn\'t really the place you want to settle down after all...

Miss said...

I still get cravings to travel and live back overseas. I know I\'ll get there again but for now I understand that I need to settle for at least another year or so because of the financial fuck up I had with my China Adventure.
I miss the convience and different life style it had to offer. I miss the cheap hair cut and 30 minute wash and massage. I miss the friends I made and left behind. I miss my tailor and phone card pusher. I miss all that!!
Like you said, you crave the opposite when you\'re over there. I wanted nothing more than the Timmies Double Double. A Taco. Nacho\'s and Salsa. Fresh Salads. Now that I\'m here I crave the Hot pots. The unique BBQ chips. The $0.50 bowl of noodles that was cooked in the river water. The tea. I miss the tea the most. I get loose leaf tea in Kessington Market at the little chinese shop but the way they do it in Wanxian was so much better than I doing it here.
It\'s a tug of war because things are nice in Canada but things are also nice outside of Canada. I get the itchy travel feet all the time. However, I\'ve got the plan in place. In a few years back to finish Asia off, than South America and than Africa. It\'s the itchy feet that\'s hard to get over!!

Laoch said...


۰• Rose •۰ said...

Amanda, I feel for you. It\'s awful being stuck somewhere you don\'t want to be, especially when there is somewhere you would like to be more. My soldier husband and I were stationed in Berlin for two years. I wanted to stay there, I loved it so much. Then we were stationed in Northern Ireland for two years and I hated it. I hope you do find your happy medium.

Brenda said...

i feel for you...not because i have the urge to travel/be elsewhere, but i have 2 close friends who battle with that same thing and it seems to consume them at times....wish i had some killer advice? what would be so bad about continuing to follow the pull? going and coming back? so what if you didn\'t have a permanant home. we don\'t have kids or husbands, so its not irresponsible, its living the life you want.
god. sorry, i\'m getting all \'oprahy"...i\'ll stop.

Byllie said...

sorry i havent been by in waaaaaay too long.........awwww...i was hoping to find u happy and bubbly......there is something missing for u and it is obvious in your blogs.  who says u have to be settled here in canada in order to be responsible?  maybe your personality is the type to need constant stimuli from a variety of sources.  that isnt a bad thing.  if u dont have anything tying or holding u down - why not travel and enjoy the many different places of the world?  do u know how many of us would give just about anything to be able to do what u have done?  IF u CAN do it, then do it amanda.  True success is happiness and for everyone it is different. 
Do what makes your heart happy.
take care sweets, you\'ll figure it out.  dont listen to what OTHER people think you SHOULD be doing.  Only u know what brings u happiness.

Unknown said...

Good luck on that........(it ain\'t easy)Peace, M~0

Unknown said...

btw: LOVE the title of your Space! ;-)0

Byllie said...

just to clarify - when i said there was something missing for u and it was obvious in your blogs - I DID NOT MEAN that they were any less enjoyable to read. Your flare for expressing yourself is ALWAYS enjoyable to read; whether you are happy and fullfilled or feeling a little out of sorts, or bitchy or lonely, or pissed right off or a little under the weather - whatever it may be.  the way u write is very fluid and makes a person look forward to reading the next sentence. 
Anyone that would stop reading your blogs because u are expressing how u r feeling - quite honestly - is an idiot.  that is what u have always done and what has always made u so easy to love and come back to. 
Keep writing sweets, good days and bad.......i think you need to remember, these here spaces sites, they\'re for the individual who writes the blogs NOT for anyone else.  If other people like them and visit, that is a bonus - for them.  It is healing to be able to get your feelings out and have them there to reflect back on. Sometimes it even helps u figure out where and what changed, and how to get back the ingredients to make life soup more enjoyable (i\'d scoop out all of the peas - i hate peas). 
Anyways, blah blah blah Byllie, i know.........sorry. 
one last thing, because u know there always is.........the ONLY reason i personally stopped making my rounds and checking in for longer periods at a time, was because i was pregnant (had the baby January 7th), moving and a little preoccupied with even trying to keep up with leaving some sort of contribution on my own site. Needless to say, it was a little starved for attention sometimes.  I think i have pretty much regulated my schedule again, and the first place i came was that should tell u something.  i dont know what exactly, but something. 
take care, big hugs...........and boys are stupid - throw rocks at them.  (happy belated birthday too!)

bob said...

yes the grass is always greener - used in moderation it\'s a healthy thing.... nothing wrong with goals, ambitions, wants.  Just don\'t step over that line that turns a healthy desire into jealousy, bitterness or self-pity because then it becomes defeating.
Why can\'t you have varied shades of green grass?  Why can\'t you make plans for another China thing, give yourself something nice and giftwrapped. 
I don\'t get that \'happy medium\' stuff - go for the happy, the medium\'s just extra baggage you\'ll have to pay extra for on the flight to where-the-heck-ever.

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