Having nothing new or interesting to say, I've decided to go to my old diary for some blog fodder. So here it is, straight from the private journal....
Sept 15/04
I've been in China just over a week now, and it's been a week packed with highs and lows. That's a huge understatement. There have been moments here where I felt completely stupid and incompetent, I felt I would never get the hang of it and I just wanted to go home.
There was no training really, I just arrived here and was immediately thrown into classes. I was stressed out and didn't know what to expect or what was expected of me. I was angry at the school for putting me in the position where I felt like a fool and a failure and I didn't think I would ever know how to do things.
I was feeling pissed off at Theran because he was doing fine & seemed to be acting like he was an old pro at it. I know he said he was just trying to help, but he was coming off as a pompous know-it-all. I hated hearing him talk about his classes and how well they went and all the great things they talked about. All his kids were bonding with him, how nice. He's a natural at teaching, fan-fucking-tastic. I suck, nobody is giving me any real pointers, my kids probably think I'm an idiot and the worst teacher they ever had. Great.
I think the first couple of days were mostly spent in tears. Everybody would be in the teachers' lounge, busy chatting and planning lessons, and I felt so helpless and useless I'd just go around the corner to a tiny spot with a window where I'd try to hold myself together but usually ended up crying.
Anyway, somehow I made it through a few days. Some of the classes I did pretty much by myself, and a couple of times someone else would help out, even do the class as a demonstration for me. That helped a lot, to see how the class should be run etc. I knew I just had to get a week under my belt and I'd start to feel better. And I knew that the more practice I had the easier and better it would get.
To be continued..... (unless I suddenly get some excitement in the present tense - ha!)
Sept 15/04
I've been in China just over a week now, and it's been a week packed with highs and lows. That's a huge understatement. There have been moments here where I felt completely stupid and incompetent, I felt I would never get the hang of it and I just wanted to go home.
There was no training really, I just arrived here and was immediately thrown into classes. I was stressed out and didn't know what to expect or what was expected of me. I was angry at the school for putting me in the position where I felt like a fool and a failure and I didn't think I would ever know how to do things.
I was feeling pissed off at Theran because he was doing fine & seemed to be acting like he was an old pro at it. I know he said he was just trying to help, but he was coming off as a pompous know-it-all. I hated hearing him talk about his classes and how well they went and all the great things they talked about. All his kids were bonding with him, how nice. He's a natural at teaching, fan-fucking-tastic. I suck, nobody is giving me any real pointers, my kids probably think I'm an idiot and the worst teacher they ever had. Great.
I think the first couple of days were mostly spent in tears. Everybody would be in the teachers' lounge, busy chatting and planning lessons, and I felt so helpless and useless I'd just go around the corner to a tiny spot with a window where I'd try to hold myself together but usually ended up crying.
Anyway, somehow I made it through a few days. Some of the classes I did pretty much by myself, and a couple of times someone else would help out, even do the class as a demonstration for me. That helped a lot, to see how the class should be run etc. I knew I just had to get a week under my belt and I'd start to feel better. And I knew that the more practice I had the easier and better it would get.
To be continued..... (unless I suddenly get some excitement in the present tense - ha!)
3 comments:
I hate that sink or swim kind of feelingYour journal looks like it would be pretty interesting. Maybe you should turn it into a book detailing your time in China??
I want to read more. Unlike Loach I don\'t want to pay for it. I particularly liked the swearing.
hey there.....thanks for the comment. I really need to write a new blog, but I\'m sure no one is interested in grocery shopping and frequent trips to Walmart.
Take care of yourself and I\'ll be back to visit very soon.
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