back to our roots

It's been a long, long time, but we are finally going back to where it all began.

I feel like a nostalgic parent, wistfully reminiscing about your first hesitant days when you were so unsure of  yourself. and then you found your voice, made friends, and blossomed. you were very different back then: young and excited because everything was so new and there was always a story you wanted to share. now that you're older you've grown distant, most of your pals have gone their own ways, and you don't say much at all. but you will still always be precious to me. you are, and will always be, my dear, sweet, never-to-be-completely-parted-with blog.

that's right, I'm talking about my blog. and like I said, we are going back to where it all started:

China!!

I really wanted to use one of my own old china pix but don't have any on the computer :(

I confirmed the flights today! We (Blair and myself - the blog doesn't get its own seat) are heading to China in about 6 1/2 months, and staying for just over 3 weeks. Wahoo!! It will be almost a decade since I was there (wow, I can't believe how fast time goes!), and at the rate China changes, I wouldn't be surprised if everything is completely unrecognizable. I am so excited, and yet a bit nervous too. It's always a bit weird going back to a place you once called home. I really want to go to Dalian (the city where I lived and taught) but it is inconveniently quite out of the way. Bah! But I feel really determined to get there. Yes, it is a must (for me - Blair not so convinced).

Anyway, I just had to share the news. At first I wasn't super keen on going back to China, because there are so many other places I've never been to and want to see. But now that it's booked, I'm super excited. I am going to say "tai guai le!" (too expensive!), no matter what the price. I'm going to haggle over 50 cents. I'm going to eat rice noodle soup and real kung pao chicken. I'm going to give bai jiu (yucky Chinese alcohol) another shot. I'm not going to have the version infused with dog penis. I'm going to walk the great wall in spring, just like I did in winter and summer. I'm going to use squat toilets like a natural. I'm going to skip the crappy light show in Yangshuo. I'm going to have a beer and play liar's dice with an old friend. I'm going to remember so many things - the good and the bad - that I'm forgetting right now.

I can't wait. I hope you'll join me :)

my first staycation

Ah, holidays.

I'm enjoying a different kind of holiday this week. a holiday where I have absolutely no plans and nothing specific to do. normally when I take time off work, I try to do something with that time. take a trip somewhere, or even just go to the farm. but not this time. I had booked this time off way back in april, and I thought something might pop up between then and now. maybe a cheap last minute flight, a spontaneous trip somewhere. but nothing. I contemplated canceling my holiday request, but decided to give this whole "staycation" thing a whirl.

So far, I have to say it's pretty great. the weather has been gorgeous: sunny and 30 something degrees. We had our families over for a bbq and everything went super well. it was hot, there was lots of delicious food, and everyone was chatting and having fun. Canada day was another scorcher, and I had a beautiful day riding my bike, hanging outside with family, checking out the various festivities, watching fireworks, and collapsing exhausted at the end of the day. today I discovered the fun of a pressure washer! I decided it would be fun to have a project this week, but nothing too overwhelming or urgent. something that if I don't finish it, it's no big deal. so I decided to paint our fence. or stain it, varnish it, treat it, whatever it is you're supposed to do to fences. how exciting! handyman Amanda, that's what they'll call me! the pressure washer is so cool. i'd never used one before and I was just mesmerized watching the layer of dirt that I didn't even know was dirt come off, leaving a brand new fence behind! well, after an hour of spraying, I was soaking wet and covered in fence scum. But I had 2 and half beautifully clean and new looking sections of fence! ....which leaves about 15 more sections to go. this is where the whole 'no big deal if I can't finish this project' mentality comes in.

I will do more on the fence throughout the week. maybe i'll get the whole thing cleaned, maybe not. for now, at least the novelty of the pressure washer makes it fun, and it doesn't feel like work.

other than that, nothing else planned. other than have coffee outside while doing the crosswords. visit my sister. lay in the sun. make sangria. drink sangria. relax. that's it. nothing else on the agenda! yay!! so what if i'm not off to some exotic destination this holiday. my backyard is exactly where i want to be :)

Oh goodie, another phobia

maybe phobia isn't quite the right word. i mean, i'm not afraid of them, like i am of moths. but i think that's only because these are stationary. i definitely have an irrational and hyperbolic disgust of them, which leads to extremely ludicrous overreactions.

I've discovered that i am revolted by toadstools.

seriously, i don't know how i'm going to get through this blog, because just the thought of them - the mere writing of the word - sends shudders down my spine. we have some growing around a tree on the boulevard (oh god oh god, they're so gross), and now they've even spread so that a few are in our yard (barf barf barf). the clumps around the base of the tree are really big, like the size of cats and loaves of bread (blech, gag), then about half a dozen smaller clusters have popped up along the boulevard and a blob or two on our lawn (i have to stop, i'm going to be sick).


i'm back. feeling queasy, but i shall persevere.

i can't think of anything more nauseating than those mushrooms. repulsive fungal growths infesting our grass. they make my skin crawl. i almost couldn't walk up my front sidewalk because they were only a few feet away. oh so gross so gross so gross! squishy, lumpy, dense, moist, pop-up-overnight, cankerous blight infecting my lawn!!



blair digging out the vile toadstools. I took a photo of him
 while peeking through the blinds in the upstairs window.
this is as close as i could get, and even then i was trembling

ok, i must stop. retching and having mini-convulsions at the thought of them. i made blair go outside and dig them all up to get rid of them. but he's not allowed to talk about it because i start freaking out when they are mentioned and may break into tears. now i must go have a hot shower and scrub the thoughts of them away.

things that make me happy

sometimes I like to complain. but today, for a change, I thought i'd share a few happy things. and i'll put it in bullet point form because bullet points also make me happy!

• I went to Stars on Ice last week (yay!) and at the end of the show Kurt Browning shook my hand (YAY!!!). i practically knocked over the two little old ladies next to me in my eagerness. I wanted to tell him that i'd been coming to the show for 20 years, but couldn't utter a single word; i just shook his hand frantically while grinning like an idiot. but maybe that's ok, because when i went through my collection of Stars on Ice programs from over the years (obsessive nerd), i realized that this was only year 19. so next year i'll have to tell him :) yes, i get just as giddy and awestruck now as i did in 1994.
• i'd been brushing up on my French lately so that i could take a "second language evaluation" at work. i was very stressed about the 45 minute oral test. I took it 2 weeks ago, on a day i was really sick, and.... I got the marks i needed, yippee! so now I've been upgraded to a bilingual employee, which means a teensy bit more money, and hopefully more opportunities. way to go, me.
• i am in love with ataulfo mangos. they are sooooooo delicious and less than a buck each at superstore. yumyumyum!
• we finally had some nice weather and the weekend was beautiful! i sat outside in our backyard for the first time since moving in 6 months ago, drinking a beer and reading a book in the sunshine. so content!
• my 3 year old niece came for a sleepover and we had tons of fun doing arts & crafts and baking. plus, she is just too adorable when she's asleep. when she cuddled up to me and held my hand, i thought my heart was going to explode.

that's it for now. nothing over the top exciting, no jaw-dropping updates, just some simple things that make me smile.

the flu

vomirreah. that's the awful new word i've coined.

i'm sick. not as sick as yesterday, and a thousand times better than the day before, but sick nonetheless. monday at around 330, i started to feel nauseous. i thought i was just getting nervous about the oral french exam i had to take for work the next day. but after throwing up 4 times, i decided even my own delicate nerves wouldn't cause that big of a reaction. my mom picked me up from work to drive me home because i didn't think i could handle the 30 minute bus ride. as it turns out, i couldn't handle the 15 minute car ride either. we had to pull over half way so that i could throw up out the side of the car. how gross.

upon getting home i threw up several more times, then curled up under three blankets with a bucket beside my bed. the next 4 hours were pretty terrible, and i will spare you the gruesome details. i didn't leave my room until the next morning, when i somehow managed to get up and go to work to take the french test. maybe that was a bad idea as i definitely wasn't at my best, but i jst wanted to get it over with. as soon as it was done i left work and went to my mom's where i feel asleep for several hours.

things have improved. i'm no longer vomiting or any of that other gross stuff. but that's just because i haven't really been able to eat anything. a couple of bowls of chicken broth and some toast. i've dropped 8 pounds in the last two days, just because my body has purged itself of all contents! today i'm just lazing about the house with a terrible headache. i have to walk super slowly because each step causes pounding and my vision blackens.

i hope i feel like myself again soon. this sucks.

snow and stupid

ugh. today is not exactly off to an auspicious start. for one, it's snowing. AGAIN. it's april 21st, and it's snowing. come one! am i ever going to get a chance to enjoy my new backyard? afternoon drinks on our sunny deck, evenings sitting around the firepit... sigh... not to be realized anytime soon.

this morning i got up around 830, shuffled downstairs in my housecoat and slippers, and put on a pot of coffee. i plunked myself down at the table to go through the newspaper and do the crossword. my usual routine. as i was drowsily flipping pages, i heard i tinkling noise. huh. i wonder what that is, i thought, continuing to flip. tinkle tinkle drip drip. is the tap on? finally i come out of my sleepy fog enough to consider that something may not be right in the kitchen. sure enough, the coffee maker is pouring coffee straight down onto the element, cascading over the counter and onto the floor. the pot sits empty off to the side. and oh, fantastic, the drawer beneath was slightly ajar so a cups worth of coffee has also poured in all over the cutlery. oy.

yup, today definitely has the makings of a day when i should just laze on the couch, avoid the miserable weather, and not undertake any complicated tasks (like coffee-making!). but i'm off to a birthday brunch at my dad's. gotta go brush the car off. grumble grumble.

Faceless

yup, it's been just over a month since i abandoned facebook. i gave no warning, no countdown to deactivation day, no hoping people would try to convince me to stay. i just left. i'm sure a lot of people haven't even noticed. i'd been thinking about doing it for a while, and finally got around to clicking the button. i haven't gone totally crazy doing the full-on shut down, just the deactivation so that i can go back any time if i so choose. but so far i haven't gone back, and i haven't really been tempted.

my dad asked me why i left, so this is all i have to offer for an answer:

i wasn't doing anything interesting on facebook. i rarely posted my own stuff anymore, and hardly ever left comments on others' pages. but on a daily basis i would scroll through the newsfeed and scan people's updates. the majority of which didn't really matter to me that much. oh, so-and-so is watching the jets game, whatsherface ate the most delicious tacos, someoneorother thinks i should watch a funny youtube vid, it's so LOL. blah blah. i'm not saying i had anything better to write, my status updates were completely mundane. but i was hooked on checking the newsfeed. not even out of interest, just out of boredom. 10 minutes with nothing to do on the bus? i'll look at facebook. commercial break? i'll open facebook.

but worse than that, my use of facebook made me feel like i was maintaining friendships and being a part of peoples' lives, even though i totally wasn't. why don't my friends' kids recognize me? i've been around since they were born and i've seen them grow up! oh, no i haven't, i've just seen photos of them growing up. i want to talk to people again! i want to catch up over a coffee or a beer, not peek in on lives through one-line updates. if you want me to come to a social or a party, tell me about it! i'm so much more likely to go than knowing you just clicked "invite all".

my niece took her first steps not long ago. it was posted on facebook, but the first time i saw her walk wasn't on an iphone video, it was in front of my very eyes. of course i watched the video later :)

now i will have to make more of an effort to stay in touch with the people that matter, and hopefully they will do the same for me. i think there's a very good chance i'll go back to facebook down the road, but for now i want to reconnect with my friends. and to do that i had to unfriend them all.

sick thoughts (and probably a misleading title)

i'm at the stage of sick where i sort of feel drunk. do you get that? i do. i can't focus and it's like i'm way down a blurry tunnel and sort of just watching all woozily. look at those fingers typing at the keyboard. i think they're mine!

i don't really remember going home from work yesterday. i remember saying i didn't feel well. and i remember trying not to fall asleep on the bus. and i remember flopping on my bed fully clothed when i got home around 430. i vaguely recall blair asking if i was going to get up, sometime around 7pm, and me mumbling that i should, i just wanted another hour. and then when the hour was up being unable to move, and barely managing to get out of my clothes and into pjs.

all night i dreamt about being asleep and unable to wake up. i dreamt people were trying to rouse me but i was just dead weight and my body kept toppling over and crashing to the ground.

blair called in sick for me in the morning because i could barely put two words together. "work... phone". Sixteen hours after initially falling asleep, i finally got up. i'm mostly sitting or wandering around in a fog. i'm sure i talked to my mom this morning, but that memory is already hazy and dreamlike, even though it was just a few hours ago. i can't remember the details of the conversation.

and now i'm writing this blog, to make sure i'm really awake. it reminds me of a time i sat at an EasyEverything internet cafe in Edinburgh and wrote a drunken email at 2am or so. although right now i am aware enough to correct my spelling mistakes. but i don't feel right. i feel loopy. i'm using lots of will power not to talk gibberish and to keep my thoughts cohesive. otherwise i'd run off on tangents and just say the fragmented bits and pieces in my head. tangents. math class. mrs innes. splinter. david's teenage mutant ninja turtle van. my fingers are cold. i'm too sick to make that bread pudding and we don't even have the milk.

ok, i stopped typing for a long time and just stared. if i was at EasyEverything i would have had to put another couple of pounds in the machine. Do they still have EasyEverythings? And what about Yo Sushi? i liked those beer taps at the table. and what was the name of that alcopop i loved so much? it was clear and grapefruity and so yummy. Something silver. not many pubs had it. The Bank carried it. that was the same place where apparently my phone number was written on a menu. i got a few weird calls....

those fingers on the keyboard don't want to type anymore. only 3 pm, too early to go to bed. time to go stare vapidly at the tv.

for years afflicted; symptoms worsening

my birthday is in less than a week. then i will officially be too old to get a working holiday visa for ireland, france, and a bunch of other places. not that i was planning on uprooting and living abroad for any extended period of time. but now that i realize that option is forever being taken away, it makes me want it! blah blah, the whole wanting what we can't have thing. i'm sure if i could go at any time in my life, i wouldn't be one bit fussed about it. but now my mind if racing - i've only got a few days to apply for that visa or i'll never get to live in france! ARGH!

i'm never going to live in france. accept it, it'll be fine.

i know why they call it the "travel bug". it really is like a disease. so i don't know why people refer to it all cutesy like. "oh, she's got the travel bug, time for a little va-cay!" Ok, thankfully no one has used the annoying and in no way cutesy term va-cay to me. but the travel bug should not be taken lightly! once you've been bitten, you have it for life. and as far as i'm aware, there is no known cure. i contracted it early on, as a young teenager. it's highly addictive, so my condition only worsens over time. i mollify the bug with holidays whenever i can, hoping that a long weekend in vegas will placate it and allow for some restfulness and contentment at home. but the periods of respite grow shorter before withdrawal symptoms set in and i'm in need of a travel fix. i look back at last year - a couple of visits to vancouver, toronto, vegas, 2 weeks in costa rica, not to mention over 3 weeks in thailand - and i'm still jonesing for more!

withdrawal is difficult. i can't focus on anything else except where i'm gonna score my next hit. i hoard money for my next escape. i look at the lonely planet books on my shelf and get lost in flashbacks. i relentlessly explore google earth, zooming in to ogle the details of victoria falls or sigh at the beauty of a remote pacific atoll.

 

 

and like any addiction, i keep pushing for a greater high: something to top the last. come on, i need a fix. whatcha got, whatcha got? you know a little week in mexico ain't gonna do it for me, man! europe? that's for noobs! nah man, nah, i need something with a little more oomph, a little more wow-you're-going-where-awesome, ya know? africa is still my holy grail - anywhere from kenya, tanzania, zambia, botswana, nimibia.... or all of the above! but i'm open to other suggestions.

i'll take what i can get and keep chasing for more. after all, i'm a travel junkie.

The end of an era: a eulogy for our family home

this is it. this is the last night in my house.



thank you google street view :)

no. not just my house. my home. this has been my home since i was born. this is the house my parents bought almost 40 years ago. i've seen the black and white photos of my 20-something parents gutting and rebuilding this house. i've heard the stories of how they went weeks without a toilet, and months without a kitchen. how the whole place was a dusty construction zone as they slowly put together what would become the family home. i recall a photo of my mom chilling out reading the newspaper, a roomful of debris around her. she was nestled in a yet to be connected bathtub, as that was the only place to sit.

this place is rife with memories for me. i can remember the back fence being built, which happened when i was only three years old. at four, i remember sneaking a peek at my chanukah presents and then gluing the paper back together to hide my treachery. shockingly, my mom caught on. another act of rebellion at the same age was colouring with my orange crayon on the oak newel post. i really thought the colour matched so well that my artistry would go unnoticed. it didn't, and i was busted yet again.

everywhere i look in this house, i see moments from my past.

the grate at the foot of the main stairs: four year old amanda crouches down and shouts through to the basement "daddy! i'm up here! i can hear you!" hearing my dad's disembodied voice and knowing i'm equally audible yet invisible makes me feel so sneaky!

the vent to the basement, and the orange crayoned newel post (you can still see the crayon from up close)

the front deck: 6 or 7 years old, and i'm leaning over the edge and pretending i'm way high up on a mountain, the blades of grass in the lawn actually a forest miles and miles below. i dangle dangerously over the precipice, using superhuman strength to pull myself back up from the brink of death. sometimes, i used to crawl underneath the porch with our dog Rozz, listening to the rain hit the boards above, and imagining we were hiding out in a dark cave.

the front fence: a driver smashed through and totalled it. all the kids on the street have gotten together for a photo in front of the rubble. but 4 year old amanda is too shy and sits on daddy's shoulders while he takes the picture.

the living room, sometimes the dining room: age 3 and all the kids from the block have come to my birthday party where my parents have rented a projector and are showing cartoons on a big hanging sheet. oh, and this is where i was playing tea when i tripped and hit my face on the table, giving me the scar i have today. but mostly this room is filled the sounds of a roaring fire, laughter, and happy chatter. there we are - me, mom, daddy, and jennie - kneeling around the glass table, playing Fun City, eating chips and a now discontinued dill and chive dip, with the snow falling gently outside. oh, the warmth and the love is so palpable, even though this scene was 25 years ago!

moving on to the dining room, sometimes living room: eating angel food cake with whipped cream and raspberries, yum! little rachel and andrea are there, my friends at age 6, and my friends to this day. passover dinners throughout the years, a slew of friends and loved ones filling the seats around the table, eating, drinking, singing. oh, memories from all over now. all three of us kids trying to play horsey with my dad, his poor back! jennie blatantly breaking pencil crayons under the table and saying she didn't do it. a trail of dog food leading away from the dish and david noshing away on the kibbles under the table. eating "dog poo" (brownies) and "elephant toenails" (garlic bread) at my fright night party. mom is such a trooper!

angel food cake was a birthday must

the backyard: climbing on the roof of the tool shed and cloudgazing. jumping off into the giant snowdrifts after the blizzard of '86! helping my mom in the garden and wishing she didn't have to plant those yucky tomatoes. just carrots and peas and cucumbers please! yup, 30 years ago on these steps i sat and shared a cucumber with my dad, straight out of the ground. i've never tasted better.

the room i'm in now wasn't always the computer room. it was my first bedroom, back when it had pink carpet and panda bear wallpaper. there used to be a colourful translucent butterfly sticker on the window. i thought it was the most beautiful sticker ever. just behind me was my bed, and if i turn around... there i am cuddling with mom in our matching snoopy nighties. so cozy and safe and happy. a few years later and there are two single beds pushed together. now i have a matching smurfette nightie with my little sister jennie, and we both cuddle with mom at bedtime. my mind moves on and now the crib is in here, with baby david asleep as mom rocks the crib.

my parents' room: bouncing on their bed, of course! when i was very little, my dad would lay on his back with his leg in the air and i'd try to climb up it. then he'd swing it around and i'd eventually fall off. that fun game was called "tree". even though jennie and i slept in the same room with beds pushed together, we used to like to have sleepovers on the floor of my parents' room. we'd lay down pillows and duvets and it felt like camping. other times we'd just squeeze into the recliner together and sleep there. baby david had fun jolly jumping here... while we dressed him up in girlie clothes and lace babushkas.

playing dress up is fun!

i haven't even gone to the third floor yet. more rooms, more nostalgia. and these were just my childhood years! there's the last decade i haven't even touched on. backyard bonfires and drinks with friends, hours and hours of continuous rock band with my siblings. i would be writing all through the night if i tried to capture it all. family and friends have all passed through at some point, and i myself have come and gone from this house over the years. but i've always come back.

there are years of memories here - both good times and bad. and now i have to say goodbye to it all. the worst of it is that the house was sold to a condo developer who is going to tear it all down. it won't just be gone from my life, it will razed from the face of the earth. i want to hug the house - the whole thing - and cry and tell it i love it because it feels like a part of me. but i have to remember it is just a house. the stories and memories don't get torn down when the wrecking ball comes. my family will keep those alive.

our lives in a pile of boxes. where will we put it all??

this last week i've been so aware of all the "last"s. this is my last weekend in osborne village. this is the last time i'll walk to work. this is the last time i'll run across to safeway for that last minute somethingorother. this is the last morning i'll be able to walk to my boot camp. this is the last time we'll walk to our favourite burrito place. this is the last time i'll hear church bells in the morning. this is the last time i'll sleep in my room. this is it. it's over.

i'm crying again. i can't help it. i have to let go. i have to stop focusing on the end of one thing and remind myself that it's the start of something new.

i can look forward to inviting my family to dinner in my brand new house. i will enjoy summer bbqs on our lovely patio. we can have backyard bonfires and drinks with friends, once again. i will have an extra bedroom ready for sleepovers with my niece. we are strarting fresh. photos and knickknacks will go up, and it will slowly become ours.

tonight is my last night in my beloved norquay.

tomorrow will be the first night in my new home.

new adventures and memories to come....