i don't wanna work

 

it's been a while, and i have nothing too interesting to report. i just got message emailed to me, reminding me of some extra training i have to attend on saturday morning. Boo! i think it's safe to say i will have absolutely no desire to come in to a 4 hour meeting about IT stuff, first thing on the weekend. yuck. on the upside, i suppose the 9am meeting will keep me from behaving badly on friday night. maybe i won't need the extra incentive to be good, but it can't hurt to have it as backup.

 

well, break is almost over, i think i'll read a few pages of my book before getting back on the phones. "a short history of progress"... quite interesting.

from the archives

as i mentioned, i found my old journals and have been enjoying flipping
through them. i thought it'd post a few excerpts. these are from my
first ever diary. spelling mistakes as originally written.

Thursday, January 7, 1988
Dear Diary,
In exactly two weeks it will be my birthday (on my piano lesson night)
and i have to go to music. that really ticked me off, well see ya.
math was never my strong suit, it was actually 3 weeks til i turned 11

Friday, Feb 12, 1988
Dear Diary,
mom said she was no good at chess. lately everybody has beaten me and i
need incouragement. the next thing i know she says "i guess i'll put
you in check". she didn't even know she put me in checkmate!
maby i shouldn't be mad, i thought for once i was going to win. the
worst part is she went and was telling my dad evreything. she went and
bragged! she asked me if i was writing about her. well i'm not going to
tell her, i'm not! now i never want to play chess again.
wow, i've always been a poor sport. and stubborn: i never did play chess again

Jan 2, 1990
Dear Diary,
Well well. HAPPY NEW YEAR! 1990! 1990! 1990!
i can't believe it. the end of a whole decade. last time it changed
decades i was only turning 3. now i'm turning 13! just wait, here's
something even harder to believe. next time i'll be turning 23!!!
WOW!!! now that's what i call a big deal!
crazy, the days when i thought 23 was old...

Feb 17, 1990
Dear Diary,
I'm 13 now! Yeahh! Yahoo! Well, actually i don't know if i should say
that. Life as a teen isn't supposed to be that hot. Oh well, it seems
the same to me. so far at least.
oh, ghost of amanda past, you are so wise. those were some crappy years to come!

that's all for now folks. stay tuned for more peeks at amanda's formative years.

the motherload

rummaging... i do this quite often in my spare time. my family has
never been quick to throw things out, so we've got boxes of old
mementos to sift through. certain things remain simply because they've
been put away and forgotten, while the nostalgic and sentimental value
of others is more evident. i've been enjoying some good rummaging
today, and here are some of the little treasures and surprises i've
come across.

- my old sports walkman and a pile of tapes (rock on, bryan adams)
- rainbowed "amanda" stickers from grade 1 (i'm going to put one on my computer at work)
- a can of coke from russia, best before 11/96 (completely evaporated)
- 4 cans of NZ beer, circa 1996 (those can't be good)
- name tags, order pads and packs of matches from the olive garden
(along with completed comment cards saying what an excellent server i
was! why didn't i hand those in??)
- jurassic park trading cards, magazines, stickers, calendars and other merchandise (oy, so embarrassing)
- mr sketch smelly markers (mmm, cinnamon)
- a stack of Mad magazines (what, me packrat?)

but i've found what i was looking for. the good stuff. all my old
letters and postcards dating back over 15 years. remember that postcard
you sent me from your grade 9 trip to seaworld? i still have it. the
letters sent to me while i lived abroad? all safely filed away. but
there's more. i have the letters i
sent too. that's right, i'm a nerd and keep carbon copies or
photocopies of all of my outgoing letters. anything i've ever written
to you, whether mailed or hand-delivered, i have a copy of it. and then
of course there are the journals, going back to 1988.

i'm going to go read for a bit now. i'm sure i'll have some goodies to share as i go through!

second impressions

thank god for them! sure, first impressions make one hell of an impact, but that's just a glance at the surface. luckily we don't have to adhere to our initial judgments of someone. and that can work in their favour or against them.

i've been unimpressed upon first meeting some people. for whatever reasons i don't like them or maybe i just don't find them noteworthy. but then they can surprise me once i get to know them a bit better. sometimes the change of heart is sudden, sometimes it evolves over time. i've been good friends with a girl since high school, and yet when we first met i thought she was a snob. i don't think she liked me much either. thank goodness for second chances!

of course it can go the other way too. that first impression can blow me away. and when this is the case i find it harder for those re-evaluations to take hold. that early conception that they are fun, interesting, exciting, whatever... it can blind me to the unfavourable reality. perhaps i don't want to see the truth because the persona i originally imagined is so much more pleasing. but once again, first impressions aren't immutable. a single act can open my eyes, or maybe my vision clears over time. and what a relief!

it's not always easy to accept that i've been wrong about someone, but in the end i'm so grateful. abandonning my first impressions has allowed me to develop true friendships with wonderful people, and ditch the losers that are nothing more than a charming facade.

first dates

 

bah! i hate them.

 

i agreed to go on a date with someone the other night, and almost immediately i regretted it. i'm just not in the mood for first dates! they can be very exciting, but only if you really want them. i felt indifferent. it seemed like a chore. it was a perfectly nice date, he was nice, we got along, had fun etc etc. but i just don't care! he asked if we could go out again and i said sure. bah!!! i hate dating!!! i'm sure i would be more than happy to accept second dates with certain people, but i just don't want to put the effort into someone new.

 

it's annoying because we got on really well, he seems like the type of person that i should like. but oh no, those are never the kind of people i get excited for. i don't know if i have a "type" or not, although my friends have joked that my type is older, divorced single dads with teenage kids. ha! i certainly don't go looking for that type, but yes, the last two men i have been interested in have fit that description. it's all about spark! i want to feel giddy when i look at them. i want to daydream about them. i don't want to dread the end of a perfectly enjoyable evening because of the is-there-a-kiss-or-isn't-there moment. bah!!!! although i had a fun time last night, i found myself comparing it to the first dates with my darling divorcees. now there was spark! no dreading a kiss moment, only the eagerness to grab it mid-date. sigh...

 

i hate dating.

last it is then

some people just don't care. the world is all about them and they will do whatever it takes to improve their lot, regardless of who is hurt along the way. there have been several incidents in the past week that have upset me, i will just mention the last. today i tried to appeal to a person's sense of humanity, asked them to have compassion, find it in their heart to do the right thing. but they remained unmoved. tears meant nothing, heartache and grief "not their problem". i don't remember the last time i've felt such coldness. usually i have a fairly positive outlook and i believe that people are inherently good. but suddenly, all i could see was a world rampant with greed and selfishness.

we did not leave the situation completely defeated, but his eventual concession was not a victory. he just got fed up and provided enough to get rid of us. is that the majority of the world? are people just callous and indifferent to one another? are respect and empathy for your fellow man only weaknesses? nice guys finish last, they say! at times i just want to say fine, fuck you all, i can be just as hard and self-serving!

...i feel somewhat better now. i had my favourite ice cream with my sister, talked to a few people back home, and thought about my wonderful family and friends. i am lucky to have people i can count on, people with good hearts, people that care. and occasionally i'll even meet a kind stranger that reaffirms my faith in humankind.

i will encounter plenty of assholes in this world, but i will not let them set the moral standard. maybe nice guys finish last, but i for one, am not willing to win at any cost.

the battle ends

it was a long and brave fight, and it came to a merciful end this
morning. the call came at 3am, and we were there within minutes. we
were all with him for his last hours, my mom, jennie and me, holding
his hand, playing his favourite music, my mom reassuring him he didn't
have to be afraid and she would always be with him. we cried. finally,
death rolled into the room like an invisible fog and lovingly took
michael in its quietening embrace.

my mom read a beautiful passage: "let us treasure the time we have, and
resolve to use it well, counting each moment precious - a chance to
apprehend some truth, to experience some beauty... to love and be
loved, to achieve something of worth. help us to fulfill the promise
that is in each of us, and so to conduct ourselves that, generations
hence, it will be true to say of us :the world is better because, for a
brief space, they lived in it"

michael and i had a bit of a rocky past, disagreeing, butting heads and
arguing on many occasions. but we also had great conversations, and
honest and straightforward opinions exchanged. he even ended up being a
compassionate ear, understanding and comforting, in a time when i felt
heartbroken and lost. we had a colourful history, but colour enriches
our lives!

this has been a surreal experience returning to israel. the last time i
was here, just a short while ago, was for jennie and shabi's wedding.
it was all about love, celebration, joy, beginnings, and family. now we
sit here with eyes puffy from tears, reflecting on the past, saying
goodbye, and feeling the grief of loss.

but it isn't all different. it's still about family. and this visit is, without a shadow of a doubt, all about love.

in room 18

today is fairly cloudy here in israel, unlike yesterday which was
gorgeous and sunny. not that it matters what the weather is like, it's
all irrelevant when seen through a window in a hospital room.

writing helps me through emotional times, so i'm sorry if anyone finds
this inappropriate or upsetting. don't read it if that's how you feel.

it's been a while since i've been around anyone who was sick.
...."sick". no, that's not right. that's my way of softening the truth.
it's been a while since i've been around anyone who was dying. and i
don't think i've seen anyone like this.

he shakes a lot, drifting in and out of consciousness. he speaks very
little, only a handful of words a day. when we arrived he definitely
knew us, although there have been other times when i didn't see that
flicker of recognition in his eyes. his hands are constantly moving,
tugging at the sheets or miming some imagined activities. some of these
gestures we can't identify, most of them we can. he'll be pointing, or
kissing his tallit (or other jewish ritual)... or having a cigarette.
that's the worst. dying of lung cancer, and his hands are still going
through the motions of smoking.

we had some excitement just a moment ago. he sat up, eyes totally
alert, and with our help, he stood up! his eyes lit up, he was with us,
really with us. but he's tired out now. so he lays back, holding my
mom's hand to stop him from shaking as she hums a soothing tune, and we
return to our chairs and our books.

this is sad, and disturbing, and i don't know how my mom copes. i've
only been here for two days and i feel this heaviness all around,
crushing down on me, my heart pounding and my blood rushing. sometimes
it's overwhelming and i want to escape outside. but i don't. this is no
time to be selfish. this is no time to avoid that which is upsetting.
this is when we must be strong. if he reaches out, we will be there to
offer a hand.

apologizing into the void

sometimes people take me off their facebook friends list and i couldn't care
less. people paring down their lists to a manageable number, casting
off the casual acquaintances and others who fall into that "facebook
friends, but not real friends" category. totally acceptable and
understandable, i've deleted a few myself.

but today i noticed a certain someone was no longer on my friends list
and it was like a kick to the stomach. i thought we were okay. i
thought we could go back to just being friends. it meant a lot to me; i
cared about him. i still do, he's a good man. and i think i hurt him. i
never wanted that and he definitely didn't deserve it.

i wish i didn't have to lose him as a friend, but it seems i have no
say in it. i didn't want him out of my life, but he's gone. i cried
when i realized this. i feel terrible that i caused it. i tried to do
the right thing, but i guess i'd left it too late.

i know you'll never read this, but i'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. tu me manques.

chemistry

such a strange and powerful thing. it's either there or it isn't. you
can't explain it. you can't force it. and you definitely can't control
it.

in high school, when our class wasn't paying attention or someone gave
a bit of rebellious teenage attitude, our chemistry teacher would tell
us "chemistry will punish you!". i always thought that was funny.

i think in general people understand the importance of having chemistry
with someone. you can list off all the great things about a person, all
the reasons why you should want them, but it does no good. something is
missing, and infinite items in the pro column can't outweigh that one
little fact on the con side.

i hate chemistry. i hate that i need it so much, i hate that i can't
choose where it happens, and i hate that i've let it have so much
control over me. i've accepted that it is something i am not able to do
without, but i also know it can't be the only thing. other than that i
have no idea what i'm doing.

chemistry will punish me alright. i have no doubt about it.