almost a grown-up

No excuses for not writing. I actually had lots of things to write about lately, so I only have laziness to blame. First of all I wanted to write about China: all the things that had changed and all the things that had stayed the same. I've got some great side-by-side photos I want to post, that really illustrate what's happened in 10 years. And I still want to do that. But there is so much else to say, that today will just be an overall update on the last 6 months.


So let's start with China. Of course there were tons of fantastic experiences with wonderful stories to tell, but the one that wins hands down, is the day of rafting down the Li River - the day that Blair proposed :) I won't lie and say it was a huge surprise. We had already talked about it and decided that we would get married, so it wasn't totally out of the blue. But I wasn't expecting it then! It was sweet and exciting, and even though we both knew the day would come at some point, we both still felt giddy and nervous. So yup, of course I said yes, and now we're engaged! I never thought I'd be so enamored with a piece of jewelry, but it's so sparkly and beautiful!! And as cheesy as it sounds, when I look at it, I really do think about how much we love each other. Groan :p

mandatory cheesy ring shot

Skip ahead to the next big event. When we got back from China, I had a voicemail waiting for me. It was regarding a job I had applied for several months back - a job I reaaaaally wanted - and they were offering it to me! I was ecstatic. But things got a bit complicated when I got back to work and found out that another position I had applied for was going to be offered to me as well! The latter was a job that I thought I had no chance at, as it was quite a step up and there had been tons of applicants. I was shocked that they chose me! Anyway, to cut to the chase, after much fretting and deliberation, I chose that one. It started sooner, and it was a significantly higher position. New job!!

movin' on up :)

A week after I started my new job, my third niece was born. That was also the day I found out that I was pregnant. Pregnant! Of all the milestones, this one is the life-changer. We're going to have a baby!! This was planned; we had decided to just give it a go now and see if it happened. Neither of us care about being married first. And boom - it happened immediately! Wow, life will soon be very different. I keep joking about doing all these grown up things like buying a house and getting engaged. But becoming a parent trumps them all. Just over 4 months before I'm a real honest to goodness grown up.

12 weeks (a little alien inside me!)

All this happened in two months. I got engaged April 4th, started new job at the end of May, and found out I was pregnant June 4th. Given my normally uneventful life, that's a lot going on in a short span of time!

I'm off on a whole new kind of adventure.

so far so good

 

there's a new boy in the picture. i quite like him. he's the one that i wrote my unenthusiastic "first dates" entry about. i went in with no expectations, almost irritation at having to go through all those dating motions. but we got along so i saw him again. and then again. and again. and suddenly i was seeing him all the time. i don't even know what precipitated the change. where was the tipping point? oh well, who knows and what does it matter! we have fun, we have good conversations, he plays trivia games with me and makes me dinners. plus, he isn't an older divorced man with children, so hurrah! yep, he seems... normal. but not BORING normal. i feel so bad rereading my note about our first date!

 

so that's my news. i'll let you know if he turns out to be a nutcase with mommy issues or something.

second impressions

thank god for them! sure, first impressions make one hell of an impact, but that's just a glance at the surface. luckily we don't have to adhere to our initial judgments of someone. and that can work in their favour or against them.

i've been unimpressed upon first meeting some people. for whatever reasons i don't like them or maybe i just don't find them noteworthy. but then they can surprise me once i get to know them a bit better. sometimes the change of heart is sudden, sometimes it evolves over time. i've been good friends with a girl since high school, and yet when we first met i thought she was a snob. i don't think she liked me much either. thank goodness for second chances!

of course it can go the other way too. that first impression can blow me away. and when this is the case i find it harder for those re-evaluations to take hold. that early conception that they are fun, interesting, exciting, whatever... it can blind me to the unfavourable reality. perhaps i don't want to see the truth because the persona i originally imagined is so much more pleasing. but once again, first impressions aren't immutable. a single act can open my eyes, or maybe my vision clears over time. and what a relief!

it's not always easy to accept that i've been wrong about someone, but in the end i'm so grateful. abandonning my first impressions has allowed me to develop true friendships with wonderful people, and ditch the losers that are nothing more than a charming facade.

first dates

 

bah! i hate them.

 

i agreed to go on a date with someone the other night, and almost immediately i regretted it. i'm just not in the mood for first dates! they can be very exciting, but only if you really want them. i felt indifferent. it seemed like a chore. it was a perfectly nice date, he was nice, we got along, had fun etc etc. but i just don't care! he asked if we could go out again and i said sure. bah!!! i hate dating!!! i'm sure i would be more than happy to accept second dates with certain people, but i just don't want to put the effort into someone new.

 

it's annoying because we got on really well, he seems like the type of person that i should like. but oh no, those are never the kind of people i get excited for. i don't know if i have a "type" or not, although my friends have joked that my type is older, divorced single dads with teenage kids. ha! i certainly don't go looking for that type, but yes, the last two men i have been interested in have fit that description. it's all about spark! i want to feel giddy when i look at them. i want to daydream about them. i don't want to dread the end of a perfectly enjoyable evening because of the is-there-a-kiss-or-isn't-there moment. bah!!!! although i had a fun time last night, i found myself comparing it to the first dates with my darling divorcees. now there was spark! no dreading a kiss moment, only the eagerness to grab it mid-date. sigh...

 

i hate dating.

apologizing into the void

sometimes people take me off their facebook friends list and i couldn't care
less. people paring down their lists to a manageable number, casting
off the casual acquaintances and others who fall into that "facebook
friends, but not real friends" category. totally acceptable and
understandable, i've deleted a few myself.

but today i noticed a certain someone was no longer on my friends list
and it was like a kick to the stomach. i thought we were okay. i
thought we could go back to just being friends. it meant a lot to me; i
cared about him. i still do, he's a good man. and i think i hurt him. i
never wanted that and he definitely didn't deserve it.

i wish i didn't have to lose him as a friend, but it seems i have no
say in it. i didn't want him out of my life, but he's gone. i cried
when i realized this. i feel terrible that i caused it. i tried to do
the right thing, but i guess i'd left it too late.

i know you'll never read this, but i'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. tu me manques.

chemistry

such a strange and powerful thing. it's either there or it isn't. you
can't explain it. you can't force it. and you definitely can't control
it.

in high school, when our class wasn't paying attention or someone gave
a bit of rebellious teenage attitude, our chemistry teacher would tell
us "chemistry will punish you!". i always thought that was funny.

i think in general people understand the importance of having chemistry
with someone. you can list off all the great things about a person, all
the reasons why you should want them, but it does no good. something is
missing, and infinite items in the pro column can't outweigh that one
little fact on the con side.

i hate chemistry. i hate that i need it so much, i hate that i can't
choose where it happens, and i hate that i've let it have so much
control over me. i've accepted that it is something i am not able to do
without, but i also know it can't be the only thing. other than that i
have no idea what i'm doing.

chemistry will punish me alright. i have no doubt about it.

date from hell

after going to some lame movie that i didn't want to see, i try to salvage the evening.

how about beer and a couple games of pool? no, he hates pool. in fact,
he tells me, he hates all forms of games. anything and everything
remotely like a game, he hates. wtf? who hates games? "i know you like
games a lot, but i figured i'd give you a chance anyway" oh yay...
lucky me.

we go to a pub and he smuggles in some chicken he bought elsewhere. he
proceeds to tear into it while i watch in disgust as his face gets
greasier by the bite. shoving his mess to the side, he leans in toward
me, baring his teeth and asking if he's got anything stuck. then he
attempts a joke by yelling at the waitress that our table is filthy. i
cringe.

he tells boring stories about puppies, sipping his diet coke, his dull
pointless ramblings punctuated by lots of "golly gee"s and "oh boy"s. i
drink my beer and glare.

walking home he asks if he can kiss me. i say i don't think so. he asks
if he can see my feet. "nothing weird, i just want to look at them".
what do you mean nothing weird; that is fucking weird. so no.

he apologizes, says he doesn't know how to act on a date. he really
wants to meet a nice girl but gets so nervous and doesn't know how to
be himself. he hates his job, he's made so many mistakes etc etc. he
starts to cry and the night mercifully draws to its end.



okay, so that wasn't ONE date. that is a compilation of some of the
worst moments on my worst dates. but they are all completely, utterly,
and unfortunately, true.

thankfully, a few real gems of dates and a sense of humour keep me sane.

kissing a crush

the attraction. the excitement. the longing. the denial. the
forgetting. the reconnection. the rush of desire. the flirtation. the
build up. the anticipation...

the kiss.

the disappointment.

just like most people, i've had my share of crushes. from my first
crush in grade one to the present day. they usually go unrequited, as i
pine from afar. but on a few occasions, i've been surprised by a long
delayed materialization of these passions. and while the first thought
that runs through my head is "oh my god, i'm kissing so-and-so", the
end result is usually a let down. that's it? all that yearning for
that? i guess it's inevitable when you have someone on a pedestal
simply by reasons of aesthetics and superficial charm.

i suppose it's still gratifying in a way. and it puts it all in perspective.

but i know the good kisses. there's still the anticipation and the
tension. but it's driven by more than just lust. there's another
connection. and it's not something i can put my finger on. but those
kisses... wow... those are the ones that make your heart pound.

don't flatter yourself

i've been having some strange dreams lately, and i posted them on facebook for interpretations from my friends. in one of them, my sister had some big bugs on her, and in a panic, i started clawing at my chest, until i ripped through my flesh and tore my rib cage apart, pulling out my bloody, throbbing heart. my sister, now crawling with bugs said "you shouldn't have done that amanda".

jackass (who i no longer feel is a jackass, i just call him that for your sake - we're actually friends now) offered his opinion: "don't tear your heart out over the wrong guy". HA! that's pretty presumptuous of him. we get along great, and we've hung out several times and had a perfectly fun time. but i am most definitely not tearing my heart out over him. here's my somewhat alternative interpretation of the dream: my heart was beating wildly. even while holding it my hand, i was still alive. And conscious of how alive i was. Look at it go! boomboomboomboomboom!! my sister was what truly frightened me; a walking corpse. not that i believe her life is over, but we are on very different paths. in retrospect, this dream actually reassured me of how much i still have in me.
 
i'm not tearing my heart out in agony over some self-absorbed boy. I'm marveling at the pounding, vibrant life within myself! I told him my analysis and suggested he keep his ego in check. hahaha!

be nice

 

i'm a jerk. i shouldn't say nasty things about people. the cute boy is not a bad person. he may not be what i'm looking for, but i shouldn't be so mean. i didn't ditch last night, we rented a movie. he's not so bad. like i said, not right for me, but it was unnecessary and immature of me to say what i said. i apologize.

i'm acting completely shallow, i realize that. but it doesn't seem to be doing any harm. so i'm hanging out with someone purely because i find them attractive. so what? we're not starting a relationship, neither of us are becoming invested in any way. it's just killing time. i'm indifferent to whether we hang again or not. i have a decent time when we do, but i don't miss it when we don't.

it also appears i will follow through on the plans to hang out with the jackass. i feel at a safe distance and don't feel i am in any danger of getting attached. i have enjoyed our little conversations recently, but i don't have any desire for a relationship with him. once bitten, twice... okay, twice bitten. but that second bite definitely set me straight!

in any case, i'm not worried about either scenario. besides, we all know i'm betrothed to my bus driver. well, perhaps he doesn't know it :p