separation anxiety

i knew the day had to come eventually, but that doesn't mean i'm any more prepared for it. a few months ago i felt more ready than i do today. right now i feel panicky and scared and needy. i don't want to go back to work tomorrow.

i can't believe the year is up already. what a crazy, emotional, amazing year. i've experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows. in the first few months there were days i was so overwhelmed with darkness... but thankfully i had the support i needed to get through it. i have met many wonderful people and made lovely new friends. of course the most wonderful of all is my dear little daughter. i never knew such true, all consuming love until her.

i had all these things i was going to write about, but now i'm drawing a blank. i'm trying to think of some positives about going back to work. i won't have to pack up a bag full of diapers, wipes, extra clothes, snacks, etc in order to leave the house. i won't have to inhale my lunch, burning my tongue because there's no time to let it cool as she might wake up any minute. my clothes won't have cereal or yogurt on them within 20 minutes of getting dressed. i'll be able to the bathroom alone. i'm sure there are others. but all i can really think about is all the stuff i'm going to miss. our morning coffee at starbucks, walking to the library, taking her to play groups, going on afternoon play dates, watching her with her little baby buddies. the cuddles, the kisses, the smiles and the laughs. she is growing and learning so quickly, every day i see something new. but now i feel like i'm going to miss it! i know, it's not like i'm going on a one way mission to some distant planet, i'm just returning to work. but i'll go from seeing her all day to only a few short hours. i'll miss my baby!!!

i always assumed separation anxiety referred to something the baby went through. now i know the truth.

post-nap bedhead and smile

a fire-pole, and other parenting ideas

Getting my daughter to sleep isn't that difficult, the real trick is getting her to stay asleep. First comes the bouncing and singing. Okay, she's asleep, now the hardest part: putting her down. I hold her for a while, hoping she falls into a sleep deep enough not to notice the move away from my body and onto the mattress. Gingerly, I ease her onto the bed. First her feet touchdown...steady now... lowering her head... EYES OPEN! Quickly scoop her back up and immediately they close again. Little bounces... and try again. It usually takes me at least three tries.

Once she's successfully laying on the bed, I stand perfectly still; you wouldn't even be able to see me breathe. I contemplate my escape, cursing the creaky hardwood. I am so close to victory, and yet defeat threatens me with every step. What I need is a fire-pole, so I can slide silently down to the main floor. I'd wear mittens so there'd be no squeaking of skin on metal, and I'd plop noiselessly into a pit of foam pieces. Yes, that would work. I have also imagined myself swinging out of the room on monkey bars, so as to avoid the perilous floors. A house made of marble would be equally adequate for enabling a soundless departure.

Instead, I slowly slide my foot across the ground, trying to detect any creaks before all my weight goes down, and reaching as far as I can to minimize the steps required. I try to hold myself up somewhat on the dresser as I slip out, then with hands pressed against the hallway walls as I near the stairs. One time she stirred and opened her eyes before I made it out of the bedroom and I instinctively ducked down out of sight. As I lay huddled on the floor, I thought how absurd it was that a three month old could incite such ridiculous behavior in a (more or less) sane adult. But instead of picking myself up off the ground, I slid out. That's right, laying flat on the floor and pushing myself backwards with my hands, I slithered out of the room. A new low (haha, pun).

There is one other thought that crosses my mind every time I lay her down. I inevitably get my arm pinned under her head, and sliding it out without waking her is challenging. That's when I remember an old commercial for the War Amps Champs about playing safe. A robot gets his arm sawed off and then clicks it back on. He says "I am Astar, a robot. I can put my arm back on; you can't. Play safe". Oh how I wish I had Astar's removable arms!

3 months in (almost)

I remember thinking that babies sleep a lot, so surely I'd have plenty of time to write my blog. Hahahahahahahahaha! Ha. Oh, the folly of a new parent. Little did I realize that the sleeping would have to be done in my arms, leaving me unable to do much of anything, let alone sit and type merrily at the computer. But right now she is sleeping on her own so I will hurry hurry hurry to try and bang out a quick update before she wakes up. That is pretty much how I do everything now. She's asleep, so hurry and gobble down some food. She's asleep, mad dash into the shower. She's asleep, quickly toss some laundry in!

oh dear god, the phone rang. and a wrong number too! my heart was pounding as i tip toe ran to get it. thankfully, she is still asleep. phew.

so, i'm a mom now. craaaazy. i don't even know where to start. i thought this post would just pour out, seeing as i've become one of those people that can only talk about the baby. but what do you expect, having a baby has become my whole life. and things that are totally story-worthy in my mind, no doubt fail to captivate my audience. "so Amelia was looking at her crinkly fabric book - she loves that book, so focused on the pictures - and she totally almost turned the page by herself!" i gush enthusiastically. whoever i'm talking to waits for the rest, and then realizes by my goofy ear to ear grin that there is no more. "um... cool. good story," says the unimpressed listener. okay, i'm exaggerating, that would be kind of a lame story. she didn't almost turn the page by herself, she DID turn the page by herself!! Whooo!!!! The crowd goes wild!!!!

there are also chilling tales of poo mishaps and giant barney gumble-esque burps, uplifting triumphs of grabbing the dangling toucan and pushing the music button on the snail. and of course feel good heart-warmers of big morning smiles, sweet coos and gurgles, and too cute to handle giggles. seriously, she laughed for the first time a week ago, and it was so adorable i thought i was going to explode. instead i just squealed with delight myself, and then hugged and squeezed her like the abominable snowman does to daffy duck.

anyway, this entry has actually taken several sittings over a few days to get through, so i'm just going to post it and try to write again soon.

39 weeks... ready and waiting

One week from due date. They originally told me February 6th, but turns out they meant February 8th. I know two days doesn't really make a difference, and it's just an estimate anyway, but man those extra two days til d-day seem like an eternity has been added on! I've been doing a countdown for a couple of weeks now. And I have a feeling I'll be doing the due date + 1, due date +2 count up too. Slowpoke little lazybones baby.

I've thought about blogging about my pregnancy experiences on several occasions, but for one reason or another never got to it. And maybe it's best that way. I have not exactly been one of those people who has enjoyed a radiant glow and raved about how much I love being pregnant. I could rattle off some of the unpleasantness I have endured, but to truly capture the grim reality, I would have to be way more honest than I'm willing to be. No need to share or speak the horrors aloud. I'm sure I'm not the only one, so it can just remain a tacit understanding among mothers. Let's just sum it up and say that pregnancy can be really gross. Yes yes, it's also quite amazing, miracle of life and all that, but I was not prepared for the havoc it would wreak on my body.

But let me focus on the good stuff. One thing that continues to captivate me is watching my belly move. Basically whenever I'm relaxing at home, I have my shirt pulled up so that I can see it when she moves. For a while there were big, swift waves as she rolled and twisted and squirmed. Now that there's less room, the moves are slower, but just as enthralling. Out will poke an elbow or a knee, and just stay there (until I gently push it back in). It's creepy but so cool. I still sort of can't believe there's a baby under there.

Although I'm absolutely terrified of the whole giving birth thing (and of course nervous about the parenting to follow), I am so excited to meet my little squirmy mcgoo. Now that the finish line is in sight, I just want to get there. But I know I should try to appreciate (through the back pain, heartburn, uncomfortable sleeps, etc etc etc) that this is the last little while I get to feel her stretching and wiggling around inside me. This is the last little while when I alone carry her and feel her and protect her . Soon enough I will share her with her daddy and her grandparents, her auntie and uncle and cousins, who are all very eager to meet her too... but right now she is all mine.

buttons on ice cream

 

for auntie beryl

who always read my blog, even when it was boring.

 

i just came back from dinner with my family and had lots of fun playing with my little neice. i can't believe she's almost a year old! seems like just the other day she was coming home, swaddled tight in her blanket, an adorable 5 pound 10 ounce burrito. i'm pretty new at being an aunt, but luckily i had a great role model. from what i can tell, being an aunt means that i'll love little naomi and she'll love me; i'll help take care of her and watch her as she grows up; i'll spend time with her and give her treats she doesn't get from mom and dad, and she'll tell me things she won't tell them. we'll have that magical combination of familial love and easygoing friendship. i get to be that grown up that's cool because... well... because i'm not the parent!

 

i used to go for sleepovers at auntie beryl's when i was a kid. my cousin is just a bit older than me, so we would hang out sometimes, and sleepovers meant that we could stay up later and play board games or calecovision. and there was always something exciting about sleeping away from home, in a bed that wasn't mine. i guess it made me feel like a big kid, even though i brought my stuffed animals to hug at night. i had a terrible nightmare once and woke up sobbing. good thing auntie beryl came in to calm me down and make it better.

 

later on, when the 14 month age gap made my cousin too cool for me, i still went to visit, i just spent the time hanging out with auntie beryl instead. she was so easy and fun to talk with. and she let me have vanilla ice cream with kahlua, how cool!

 

once, having caught my brother de-wedgying himself, she asked if he was going to a show. "what?" he asked, not understanding. "no...." then the punchline: "cause you're picking your seat!" hahaha, david and i still giggle over that one. although my favourite auntie beryl line is still the one i first heard about 25 years ago (yikes, that long??): "So...." i drawl, not going anywhere in particular. "buttons on ice cream," she finishes. i give a confused look. "sew buttons on ice cream and watch them melt off". ha! i like that one. way cooler than "hey is for horses". to this day, i have been heard to interject the buttons-on-ice-cream line on occasion.

 

in the winter time, as christmas starts to close in and decorations go up, i always think of auntie beryl. we used to drive around the neighborhoods looking at all the beautiful lights. some streets really went all out; it's like the neighbors were in cahoots. they had a reputation to uphold! they couldn't disappoint their fans, as we drove along slowly, oohing and aahing at the colours twinkling on the eaves and in the trees. yes, the place to be on christmas was definitely auntie beryl's house. the piles and piles of delicious food! meatballs, creamed peas, stuffing, ham... ooh, ham!! auntie beryl could always count on her little jewish neice amanda gobbling up a plateful of that amazing ham. yep, once a year; oh, how i looked forward to it! and even with all the kids, grandkids and us moochy nieces and nephew coming by, i always felt welcome and wanted.

 

you may think that auntie beryl is gone, but she isn't. she is still hanging on, fighting. she is a tough cookie! and although this is just a snapshot, i didn't want to wait to write about what a fantastic person she is and express how much i love her and how she has touched my life. i hope i can be just as wonderful an aunt to naomi as she has been to me.

happy new year

so here we are: 2009. time sure is zipping by these days. have i really already had this blog for 4 years?? yikes.

new years was nice and quiet this year. i went for dinner with a whole bunch of good friends, went back and played some board games around the fire, and then my boyfriend and i went back to his place around 11pm, where we played cards and watched the ball drop in NY. it was very enjoyable.

this has been a full year. i think back a year, and it seems so long ago. the newness of my job, the people i was hanging around with, it's quite different now. and what highs and lows this year! the wedding and traveling around israel, michael's death... but i don't feel like reflecting too much at this moment. right now i'm very content with where i am, and i'm looking forward to the potential of this new year. things are going well for me. work is satisfying, i've got a great family and terrific friends, and now to put that extra twinkle in my eye, i've met someone who makes me ridiculously happy and who loves me. yep, life is grand. i think 2009 will be a good year.

the battle ends

it was a long and brave fight, and it came to a merciful end this
morning. the call came at 3am, and we were there within minutes. we
were all with him for his last hours, my mom, jennie and me, holding
his hand, playing his favourite music, my mom reassuring him he didn't
have to be afraid and she would always be with him. we cried. finally,
death rolled into the room like an invisible fog and lovingly took
michael in its quietening embrace.

my mom read a beautiful passage: "let us treasure the time we have, and
resolve to use it well, counting each moment precious - a chance to
apprehend some truth, to experience some beauty... to love and be
loved, to achieve something of worth. help us to fulfill the promise
that is in each of us, and so to conduct ourselves that, generations
hence, it will be true to say of us :the world is better because, for a
brief space, they lived in it"

michael and i had a bit of a rocky past, disagreeing, butting heads and
arguing on many occasions. but we also had great conversations, and
honest and straightforward opinions exchanged. he even ended up being a
compassionate ear, understanding and comforting, in a time when i felt
heartbroken and lost. we had a colourful history, but colour enriches
our lives!

this has been a surreal experience returning to israel. the last time i
was here, just a short while ago, was for jennie and shabi's wedding.
it was all about love, celebration, joy, beginnings, and family. now we
sit here with eyes puffy from tears, reflecting on the past, saying
goodbye, and feeling the grief of loss.

but it isn't all different. it's still about family. and this visit is, without a shadow of a doubt, all about love.

in room 18

today is fairly cloudy here in israel, unlike yesterday which was
gorgeous and sunny. not that it matters what the weather is like, it's
all irrelevant when seen through a window in a hospital room.

writing helps me through emotional times, so i'm sorry if anyone finds
this inappropriate or upsetting. don't read it if that's how you feel.

it's been a while since i've been around anyone who was sick.
...."sick". no, that's not right. that's my way of softening the truth.
it's been a while since i've been around anyone who was dying. and i
don't think i've seen anyone like this.

he shakes a lot, drifting in and out of consciousness. he speaks very
little, only a handful of words a day. when we arrived he definitely
knew us, although there have been other times when i didn't see that
flicker of recognition in his eyes. his hands are constantly moving,
tugging at the sheets or miming some imagined activities. some of these
gestures we can't identify, most of them we can. he'll be pointing, or
kissing his tallit (or other jewish ritual)... or having a cigarette.
that's the worst. dying of lung cancer, and his hands are still going
through the motions of smoking.

we had some excitement just a moment ago. he sat up, eyes totally
alert, and with our help, he stood up! his eyes lit up, he was with us,
really with us. but he's tired out now. so he lays back, holding my
mom's hand to stop him from shaking as she hums a soothing tune, and we
return to our chairs and our books.

this is sad, and disturbing, and i don't know how my mom copes. i've
only been here for two days and i feel this heaviness all around,
crushing down on me, my heart pounding and my blood rushing. sometimes
it's overwhelming and i want to escape outside. but i don't. this is no
time to be selfish. this is no time to avoid that which is upsetting.
this is when we must be strong. if he reaches out, we will be there to
offer a hand.

more from israel

gave you guys a bit of a break, here's the note i wrote after the wedding...


Mazel Tov! - June 17

everyone should have the chance to experience a jewish wedding.
weddings are always joyous occasions, but never have i been a part of
something so enthusiastically celebratory as this wedding. my people
know how to throw a party!

first of all, let me just say how stunning jennie looked. so beautiful
it brought tears to my eyes. shabi looked fantastic too. they were
perfect: gorgeous, glowing, and in love.

the venue was spectacular, a lovely garden with candlelight, a little
stream, an outdoor bar, and of course the huppah. first there was an
hour or so of mingling as people arrived, various stations set up
serving incredible appetizers. yum!

then the ceremony began. us siblings walked down the aisle and up under
the hoopah first. then shabi and his parents. everyone clapped. then my
parents led jennie to the start of the aisle. more clapping as shabi
walked to greet her and put her veil down. the ceremony itself was
pretty much all in hebrew, with myself, my brother, and my parents
reading a few translations. we didn't really know what was going on,
and when something was said to us in hebrew, we just gave a blank stare
until it was translated. "psst, david, give them the ring" and so on.

the ring was placed on jennie's index finger. shabi stomped on the
glass. Mazel tov, they were married!! we all hugged each other in
congratulations, and after getting in two hugs, i suddenly noticed that
the hoopah had been swarmed by the 200 plus guests. everyone was coming
up to hug and kiss and congratulate and be blessed my the bride and
groom!. it was chaos!! strangers and new extended family all wishing us
mazel tov. how wonderful!

then the real party began. we all went indoors to the tables and dance
floor. tons of food was on the tables, as well as bottles of water,
juice, wine and a bottle of vodka on each table. after a little while,
jennie and shabi entered. the room erupted in cheering and clapping and
everyone flooded the dance floor. instant insanity! the girls gathered
around jennie and the boys around shabi. each group was cheering and
spinning and grabbing hands and dancing in circles. jennie and shabi
were lifted on chairs, up! up! up! so much happiness bursting from
everyone. not that subdued happiness of weddings back home, but
vibrant, vocal, unrestrained happiness like i've never seen. we danced
and danced, rushing in circles of the hora, everyone twirling and
laughing. joy joy joy! no time to eat or drink, everyone was too busy
celebrating.

there was a ridiculous amount of food. the appetizers before the
ceremony, appetizers indoors, followed by a first course, then a main
course, then desserts. it wasn't a formal sit down dinner. food was
just placed on the tables, and you alternated between eating and
dancing. i really only got about 5 minutes of sitting time before being
beckoned back onto the dance floor. and i happily obliged.

so that was the wedding. constant dancing, laughing, eating, drinking,
and exhilaration that wouldn't allow me to stop smiling. it was so
festive, even the language barrier didn't matter. it was by far the
best wedding i've ever been to. even now as i think back to it, i feel
this overwhelming love wash over me.

that is how you have a wedding. that is how you celebrate love!!

catching up

i'm back, and i realized that although i posted a few notes on facebook, i never copied them here. and because i know some people are blog readers over facebook, i am going to add it here too. so here are the few notes that accumulated over the last month.

June 8: Israel - desert, dun, guns & boobs
shalom everyone! it's only been a couple of days but already winnipeg
seems so long ago and far away. everything has been amazing so far.
here's the summary:

arrived to glaring sun and 38 degree weather, woohoo!

we've spent some time with shabi's family, who were so wonderfully
hospitable. when we arrived they had bottles of juice, water and
platters of fresh fruit and cakes for us. we also had shabbat dinner
with them which was a great experience. his parents don't speak
english, but with all the smiles and kisses and handshakes, we all felt
welcomed to the family.

yesterday was a busy day. we went on a hike through desert mountains in
about 40 degree heat. luckily there was a beautiful waterfall and pool
to swim and cool off in. Absolutely stunning! it was pretty
awe-inspiring standing atop this jagged cliff, rust coloured mountains
behind us, the dead sea stretched out below and the dry desert breeze
gently blowing past.

after a lunch of challah and hummus, we headed down to the dead sea to
cool ourselves. the rocks that line the shore have a crystalline
coating of salt, at least an inch thick. everyone knows that you float
in the dead sea, but experiencing it is truly something else. i mean,
it's not just that you float, it's an effort to get your legs beneath
you! so cool, just bobbing along. and the water is so oily you can see
swirls in the sunlight. we found a good spot to dig up the coveted dead
sea mud and smeared it all over ourselves. we were caked from neck to
toe, mud monsters!! fun fun :)

anyhoo, i'll wrap this up now. plenty more for other days. oh, a couple
of other observations. it's odd going through metal detectors and
having your bag searched just to go into a mall. and seeing soldiers
with huge machine guns everywhere from malls to cafes to the waterfalls
(yep, dude with nothing more than his swim trunks and gun). and
finally, all the girls in israel have huge boobs. i don't feel special
at all, haha!

June 11 - and also...
a few other things i thought were worth mentioning:
unisex bathrooms seem quite popular. i wasn't sure what was going on at
first when there was only one door with a "0" on it. luckily no urinals
out in the open
most restaurants have guards at the doors. when your bill comes there are an extra few shekels for security fee.
nobody jay walks here!
that's it for now, more sightseeing and wedding stuff to come.

June 13 - the mikvah
(i know this is a long one, but it was too incredible an evening to skimp on words. please continue...)

the mikvah is a jewish tradition where the bride-to-be goes through a
spiritual purification process. i've never been to one, so the whole
thing was new to me. what a great experience!

jennie was given a whole big basket of toiletries because everything to
be used for the cleansing is supposed to be new. she was also given
some new pjs and clothes and shoes to wear after the mikvah (all in
white). the room where it was all kept was strewn with dried rose
petals.

my mom, shabi's mom and myself escorted jennie to the mikvah. the drive
there we had georgian music blasting away and shabi's aunt who was
driving us was clapping and singing and swirling her arms to the music.
when we pulled up a group of women on the street realized we were on
our way to a mikvah and they all rushed up to jennie to congratulate
her and to be blessed by her. brides are considered purer and closer to
god, and therefore people like to be blessed by them. it was very cool.

inside jennie was shown her private room where she was to shower, brush
her teeth, trim her nails, etc etc. basically give herself a head to
toe deep clean. after about an hour or so, she goes to the ritual bath.
it is only her and the woman who oversees it and approves it. she steps
in to a small pool, dunks herself underwater, says a blessing and dunks
twice more.

during all this, my mom and i waited, members of shabi's family showing
up (all women) as well. when she was finished, jennie walked out, wet
haired, all shiny and clean and glowing, dressed in white satin pyjamas
and white flip flops. all the women shouted and cheered; we threw candy
at her and placed a flowered wreath on her head. babies were placed in
her arms and all the women went up for kisses and blessings as they
clapped and sang and danced. so much joy! my mom leaned over to me and
said "it's like we're experiencing a different culture". "yeah," i
replied, "and it's ours."

everyone then made their way to shabi's aunt's house for the party, mom
and i escorting jennie back again. inside the house they had lively
georgian music cranked up, and everyone was dancing. it was all
georgian style with the hands and arms twisting and people joining
hands, turning about and laughing.

and the food. holy shit, the food! they were actually piling plates on
top of other plates. breads, cheese, olives, blintzes, pastries stuffed
with various things, lasagnas, pizzas and probably things i'm
forgetting. then came the desserts. cakes and meringues and chocolate
nut clusters and cream fillled pastries and profiteroles and bowls and
plates of cherries, figs, fruit fruit fruit and so many other things!
the most amazing thing about this feast was that it was all homemade.
ALL of it.

it was one of the happiest, most festive parties i've been to. i can't even imagine what the wedding will be like!

okay, i'll actually give you a break and add the rest later!

back to work

 

that 4 day weekend went too fast. i was just getting comfortable with not working. oh, to be independantly wealthy! sigh...

 

so i did something nice for someone the other day. rare, i know! i thought twice (at least) about it, knowing full well there are better people to do something nice for. but i did it anyway. i'm not really sure why. i just wanted to. i wanted something good for this person. i did it more or less anonymously (although it wouldn't be difficult to guess it was me).

 

what a waste. wasting the miniscule amount of selflessness i possess on the wrong person! but i suppose that's what makes it selfless, right? i know there's nothing in it for me. and i want nothing for it either. it really just was done for the sake of making someone feel good. i hope it did. wishing happiness for someone at no benefit to me is a strange emotion...