no rush

 

ah... sipping my morning coffee with minutes to spare before having to log in. my mom dropped me off today so i arrived almost 15 minutes early. 2 precious minutes left now.

 

i have a real blog that i will post soon. amanda's happy list. last night i hung out with a friend, and we chatted for a bit about the things in our lives that weren't going the way we wanted, things that were missing, general malaise and heavy hearts. i told him how my sister and i had written up "happy lists" about a decade ago - little things that we love, appreciate, that make life twinkle. it's a good exercise, so we decided to do new happy lists. they came together quickly, each item triggering more and more until we were sputtering out a constant string of happiness.

 

yep, life ain't so bad. as long as you can remember the little pleasures.

victory!!

 

every tuesday, my friends and i go to a pub quiz. we have consistently come in third. Last week we pulled ahead, winning round one (and nachos!), but dropping to second over all. but this tuesday, change was in the air. we tied for fourth in the first round, nothing to be proud of. but round two we felt we had a shot. the tension around the table was palpable as the top five teams were announced. "and for the first time, we have a tie for first place..." oh my god, could it be? YES!!! We were tied for the win! But there are no ties, only one team can be crowned champion. Down to the tie breaker question - which we've never had to use. my friend is ridiculously good at the tie breakers, always coming within metres of estimating mountain heights etc. this week's question was to name the date Sputnik was launched. the answer was given, and as soon as the announcer read the other team's response, we erupted in shouts and cheers. we were only a couple of weeks off!!! WE WON!!! Mayhem ensued, our team being unfamiliar with the taste of victory.

 

it was a fun night, we should win more often. i love the unjustified feeling of superiority, based on sporadic knowledge of useless trivia.

that idiot is ME!

 

so if you catch the evening news and see some moron wobbling down the middle of osborne st, then sloshing through an ankle deep puddle, that's me!

 

running late and hustling to catch my bus as usual this morning, and i notice two camera men set up at the intersection. one of the camera men says to me as i eye my bus across the street "that's sheer ice under that puddle, i'd take the long way around if were you. someone is going to wipe out". i become aware of the massive lake not far in front of me. shit, but my bus!! if i cross the other way first i'll miss the light and my bus for sure. maybe i can go the other way...

 

oh crap, it's slippery. baby steps, baby steps. the puddle stretches much further than i thought, a few car lengths past the bus before i could get around it. the bus starts to move, but there's no way i can cross the final lane. cars go around me as a awkwardly make my way through slush and ice, slipping and sliding. the bus is gone, and i'm still in the middle of the road, still faced with an immense waterway between me and the sidewalk. i have to get off the street, and i've come too far to go back. so.... straight through the puddle i go. my boots are completely immersed, my jeans absorbing filthy brown water up to mid-calf. one misstep and i'll be on my ass, a soggy, humiliated mess.

 

unbelievably, given my usual lack of coordination and grace, i manage to make it to safety unscathed. a bus pulls up 30 seconds later. people at the bus stop stare at my sopping jeans as i attempt to look cool and unphased.

 

all i hope is that this idiocy was not captured on film. with my ridiculous bobbly pom-pom tuque, i'm unmistakable!

killing time

it's not a bad thing, is it? it's different from wasting time, and i
don't think i'm doing that. killing time is just something to fill the
space in the interim. but how long is the interim? what's at the end?

i know there's something better. i've had plenty of times where my life
is more than just a series of time filling activities. i've felt
electrified, impassioned, blown away by happiness! occasionally i still
have flashes of that.

don't get me wrong, i'm not unhappy. i think i'm a pretty happy person.
i have lots of fun, i laugh, the things i fill my time with are
perfectly enjoyable. sometimes i know it's superficial and lacking
substance, but as it's only a temporary measure, i see no reason to
upset the apple cart.

everything is fine. there are plenty of things that make me smile. my
heart may not be at bursting point all the time, but it swells often
enough to make me feel connected to life.

so let's not overthink things. i will appreciate and enjoy things for
what they are. and for now, i'll just keep coasting along. working
monday to friday, playing on the weekends, following a nice routine.
filling time, killing time, and waiting for something more.

alice's wise words

I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
That explains the trouble that I'm always in
Be patient, is very good advice
But the waiting makes me curious
And I'd love the change
Should something strange begin

Well, I went along my merry way
And I never stopped to reason
I should have known there'd be a price to pay
Someday...someday

I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?

- alice in wonderland


i'm also prone to giving great advice to others that most definitely applies to me, and then staunchly ignoring it myself. the odd thing is, i'm perfectly at peace with this. i know what i should do, i know i won't do it, and i accept it.  so maybe alice's song doesn't really pertain to me. i do stop to reason, i do know there may be a price to pay... and then i continue along my merry way regardless.

long weekend!

 

for some. unfortunately, not me.

 

today is manitoba's first Louis Riel day, our new provincial holiday. but alas, the feds are not privy to this day off. it's business as usual. it's a provincial holiday in a few other places too i believe, and it appears that many people assume we're closed. it's very quiet today, we don't have the usual constant stream of calls coming in. it's nice.

 

i'm feeling absolutely miserable today though. i have a terrible cold and would like nothing more than to be curled up in bed. Saturday was a gorgeous day and i spent about 9 hours outside. we built a snow fort and then had friends over for drinks. it was great! but i'd had a bit of a cough before, and that just pushed me over the edge. yesterday i was coughing like mad. coughing so hard i thought i'd throw up. coughing so hard i strained my back. coughing so hard i popped my hip! today is only slightly better. my head and eyes are killing me, i'm still coughing, and i'm slightly dizzy. can't wait to go home.

 

also, my arms are very sore. although that's just from all the digging and snow fort prep.

my special valentine

this year was an exceptionally eventful valentine's day for me. valentine's day wishes, chocolate, and an evening out with two boys. my oh my amanda, settle down!

 

first, my new applehead bus driver told me to have an okay day. yes, those were his words. "have an... okay day". he even paused to select the word "okay". do i want this girl to have a wonderful day, he thought? a nice day? how about a good day? Nah, okay will do.

 

I received a single chocolate from one of the supervisors, who dutifully passed them out to everyone. tasty.

 

i drank special valentine's day coffee and spoke to lovely valentine's day people. alright, that sentence is a lie. same coffee as every other day, same disgruntled people as every other day.

 

on to the entertainment for the evening. wanna know where i went? are you ready for it? Dollarama!! i know, sometimes i am just too wild. my brother and his friend and i went. the worst part was when my brother and i realized we had no cash and his friend had to pay. we were pooling our change together to cover the $7 bill! david and i were in hysterics, thinking it was all terribly funny, nick gave us the money and waited outside, clearly embarrassed to know us.

 

it was hard to top Dollarama, but we were too crazy to stop there. we went and played pool for an hour, smuggling in our dollarama pops like the rebels we are. made a stellar jump shot, yay me.

 

so that was my day. considering my long-standing boycott of this hallmark holiday, i think it was pretty fun this year. i even wished people happy valentine's day without a hint of sarcasm.

 

and i did actually get wished a happy valentine's day. a text came at 7am. it was quite unexpected, definitely unnecessary, but sweet and appreciated nonetheless. a perfectly enjoyable Feb 14!

mourning my mornings

 

It was with a heavy heart that I stepped onto my Monday bus. All last week, i knew this was a possibility, yet i refused to believe it would happen. But as the bus pulled up I could deny it no longer. He wasn't there. My lovely, beautiful bus driver was not at the wheel. I hadn't seen him in a week, but i tried to convince myself that perhaps he was just on holiday. But it was not so. Clearly they've changed routes, and now i am stuck with this squat man whose head looks like a buffed apple. So round and shiny!

 

Mornings are not quite as bright as they used to be, despite the earlier sunrise. Sigh.... and just as i was building up the nerve to ask him his name! Well, as they say: you snooze you lose.

ode to the blahs

 

I'm tired today.
Uninspired today.
Escape is desired today.
But ennui transpires today.
Strength is required these days.

 

 

i bet you didn't realize i was such a talented poet.

 

 

 

be nice

 

i'm a jerk. i shouldn't say nasty things about people. the cute boy is not a bad person. he may not be what i'm looking for, but i shouldn't be so mean. i didn't ditch last night, we rented a movie. he's not so bad. like i said, not right for me, but it was unnecessary and immature of me to say what i said. i apologize.

i'm acting completely shallow, i realize that. but it doesn't seem to be doing any harm. so i'm hanging out with someone purely because i find them attractive. so what? we're not starting a relationship, neither of us are becoming invested in any way. it's just killing time. i'm indifferent to whether we hang again or not. i have a decent time when we do, but i don't miss it when we don't.

it also appears i will follow through on the plans to hang out with the jackass. i feel at a safe distance and don't feel i am in any danger of getting attached. i have enjoyed our little conversations recently, but i don't have any desire for a relationship with him. once bitten, twice... okay, twice bitten. but that second bite definitely set me straight!

in any case, i'm not worried about either scenario. besides, we all know i'm betrothed to my bus driver. well, perhaps he doesn't know it :p