you're disgusting, but i love you anyway

you're filthy. you leave a mess all around, and i'm left trudging through it. your very presence leaves me feeling dirty. you have no regard for how your presence effects me or anyone else. you breeze into town, stir things up a bit, then vanish without a warning. how many times have you stayed a few days, only to make a hasty retreat, leaving me feeling cold and deceived? too many! i can't deal with your mood swings. you're hot, you're cold... and sometimes it makes me physically ill.

but yet i always look forward to your return, regardless of your fickle ways and the filth you leave in your wake. it's the future you promise that allows me to see past all of this. brighter days are ahead, i know it! go ahead and throw everything into a sloppy disarray, it's okay. i know you can't help it. i think you're going to stay a while this time, and make good on those sunny promises.

welcome back Spring. i missed you.

breaking news!!

being a grown up is lame.

i'm so sick of all the boring junk that comes with being an adult. like planning meals. what a nuissance! i loathe having to think up dinner ideas. then go get groceries. then cook the damn stuff. then clean up dirty dishes too!* oh the good ol' days when the fridge always replenished itself and dinner prep consisted of coming downstairs when mom called. now the fridge is half empty, with a door full of condiments we never use, and shelves consisting mostly of fuzzy leftovers from 2010. yeesh, why are those still in there?! why haven't they made their way to the garbage yet?!

as a grown up, i'm expected to understand my own finances. i got a package from the bank, filled with some 70 pages of reading material about investments i made, and a cover letter telling me the importance of all this info. ugh, i don't want to read all that tedious mumbo jumbo. can't the bank lady just give me the skinny and tell me what's best? or mom?

grown-up breaks suck. in my 15 minutes i go to get more coffee only to see that some jerk has yet again left just enough coffee to line the bottom of the pot. apparently if there's a thimbleful of coffee left, you don't have to make more. i make another pot and stare blankly out the window, waiting. 13 minutes later i fill my cup and head back to my desk. what a waste of a break. bring back recess! four square, tetherball, tag... that's a fun 15 minutes.

worst of all, i've lost my perspective on what is exciting. we got 251 airmiles on that last shop! woohoo!! oh my god, buy one get one free salsa, could this day get any better? and the latest thrill? we got a new mat for the front hall! it's the perfect size, and the green colour even matches the sofa in the living room. you can see the corner of the couch from the front door and you can totally tell that they match. it's the most amazing thing in the world!!!

hi, my name is amanda. i'm a grown up, and i'm lame.

the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

*disclaimer: i acknowledge that blair does 99% of the planning and cooking and grocery shopping. i know if i didn't put this in i'd get an earful about how he does it all. i know i know already! if it were up to me i'd never bother with dinner.

no title

 

hello strangers.

 

what's happened to me? when did i become so boring? i work my monday to friday, 8-4 job. i come home and tell my boyfriend about my uneventful day. i have dinner with the girls once a month and we talk about work, their babies and other grownup things. i routinely go to pub quiz where we routinely lose. i do crosswords, i watch tv, i indulge in a few beers, i complain that i've put on a few pounds. i grumble about the constantly empty coffee pot in the employee kitchen. i look forward to weekends. i work overtime to rack up additional vacation days. then i check my vacation leave balance, rubbing my hands together greedily at the sight of all my hoarded holidays. they just sit there, accumulating nicely but going nowhere. i like to think of planning a trip, but then it never seems like i have enough time. one week? i can't go anywhere good in just a week. two? three? it's never enough time for my daydreamed travels.

 

the other day i got a nice new haircut and colour. the greys were gone, my hair shone and bounced with health and youth! i went shopping and bought some new jeans and a gorgeous blue coat that i adore. oh how vibrant and stylish i felt! while getting changed, i stared at myself in the mirror. hips and thighs were no longer held svelte by the form flattering denim; blue sophistication now hung from the coat hook. this body in front of me... it wasn't mine. the inward curve at the waist was less pronounced, the belly not as hard, everything looked a bit softer and squishier than it should be. this was the body of a 30-something, not me.

 

oh wait. i AM a 30-something. that is indeed my reflection staring out at me with disappointment.

 

 

 

i started writing this several weeks ago. it's just taken me a while to publish it. so i'm 33; it happens. i have a steady job, i live with my boyfriend and i hang out with my friends. that isn't so bad! i've got a week of holidays coming up this summer, and although i'm not going anywhere exotic, i'm very much looking forward to relaxing, camping and just enjoying the time off. in terms of perking up my sad doppelganger in the mirror, i ride my bike and i've rejoined kickboxing to get into better shape. i'm not succumbing to monotony or stagnancy yet!!