Dear Diary

Having nothing new or interesting to say, I've decided to go to my old diary for some blog fodder. So here it is, straight from the private journal....

Sept 15/04

I've been in China just over a week now, and it's been a week packed with highs and lows. That's a huge understatement. There have been moments here where I felt completely stupid and incompetent, I felt I would never get the hang of it and I just wanted to go home.

There was no training really, I just arrived here and was immediately thrown into classes. I was stressed out and didn't know what to expect or what was expected of me. I was angry at the school for putting me in the position where I felt like a fool and a failure and I didn't think I would ever know how to do things.

I was feeling pissed off at Theran because he was doing fine & seemed to be acting like he was an old pro at it. I know he said he was just trying to help, but he was coming off as a pompous know-it-all. I hated hearing him talk about his classes and how well they went and all the great things they talked about. All his kids were bonding with him, how nice. He's a natural at teaching, fan-fucking-tastic. I suck, nobody is giving me any real pointers, my kids probably think I'm an idiot and the worst teacher they ever had. Great.

I think the first couple of days were mostly spent in tears. Everybody would be in the teachers' lounge, busy chatting and planning lessons, and I felt so helpless and useless I'd just go around the corner to a tiny spot with a window where I'd try to hold myself together but usually ended up crying.

Anyway, somehow I made it through a few days. Some of the classes I did pretty much by myself, and a couple of times someone else would help out, even do the class as a demonstration for me. That helped a lot, to see how the class should be run etc. I knew I just had to get a week under my belt and I'd start to feel better. And I knew that the more practice I had the easier and better it would get.

To be continued..... (unless I suddenly get some excitement in the present tense - ha!)

Come on Oilers....

Currently tied 2-2... hang in there Edmonton!

10:15pm
WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

They did it! YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA!!!!!!

Now if only they can do that two more times....

Happy things

I'm in the mood for blue today.

So today I did something fun. I met up with a Chinese girl who is going to tutor me in Mandarin. Yay! I found her through some website that listed language teachers. She is so nice! I actually had to convince her to let me pay her something. She said no no, this was just a good opportunity for her to practice English, but I just felt that would be taking advantage. So we agreed on the ridiculously low price of $15 for a two hour or more lesson. What a bargain! And she's so nice! She actually comes from Qingdao, a city that's just across the water from Dalian. I never went there, but I have plenty of history with their beer.

Anyhoo, that put me in a great mood and I'm very excited about practicing my Chinese. I was so giddy when I came home that I noticed that I was singing everything. It's bad enough if you catch yourself talking to yourself, but this was a step beyond. I was getting some food ready and realized that I was singing "toast toast toasty toast tuny tuny tuuuu-na". What a nerd.

Nerd nerd nerdy nerd nerdy nerdy nerd-o.

working hard or hardly working?

You can tell I'm having a productive day, what with two blog entries sent from work. Seriously, I've done nothing, and it's totally draining. Do you know how difficult it is to look busy and keep yourself occumpied while actually accomplishing nothing?

 

I really didn't have anything pressing to do today. The things on my to do list were either still waiting on more info, or I finished them faster than expected last week. Yay me. So I figured I'd prep some stuff for tomorrow. I wrote up a letter that I'll be sending out soon, and I figured I'd make some official looking email stationery for it. It took me longer than I thought to suss out how to do it, and then I kept having problems importing the graphics I wanted etc. Finally got it looking all professional and I sent out a test run to my personal email account. Didn't work. Called our computer guy down for help and after a bit of fussing about, we determined that the stationery doesn't show up when being sent to an outside account. He said someone else had complained about it and he'd looked into it a while ago, but blah blah, nothing had been resolved. How useless. Eventually I just cut and paste graphics, which looks fine, but is less convenient. The endeavor took up the majoirty of the morning, and although the result is pleasing, it was also completely unnecessary.

 

In the afternoon I went to a meeting where we discussed the previous meeting and planned for the upcoming meeting. I went for a walk and bought a cola. I wrote this blog.

 

And now would ya look at that, it's quittin' time! Another rough day at the office.

bedtime please

Oh dear god, I am so tired. Exhausted. Not an ounce of energy in my body. Eyelids so heavy... fingers like clumsy little sausages. No coordination. No strength to hold myself upright.

 

I'm not sure why I'm so tired. I stayed up a bit late watching tv, but nothing I shouldn't be able to handle. I just want to lay my head on my desk, close my eyes, and sleeeeeeeeeeeep. How can a cold, hard surface look so inviting? I'll have to position myself in such a way so that if anyone passes my cubicle, it will look like I'm really wrapped up in work. Like when I was in school and would rest my head on my hand, covering my closed eyes but hoping it appeared that I was focused on my paper. Yeah right, so obvious. I'm sure the teachers have never seen such savvy subterfuge.

 

Okay, I'll have to shift my attention to something really stimulating to keep me awake. Hahahaha.

 

Or maybe I'll just consume vast quantities of caffeine.

wanderlust

With nothing special keeping me tied to Winnipeg, I can't help but feel the lure of the great unknown call to me once again. With the job ending in September, I've been contemplating my options. I sort of feel like going somewhere really obscure for no particular reason. Uzbekistan or Ghana or some other such unusual destination. Some of my travels seemed exotic at the time, but I feel the urge to keep pushing into more remote territory. Somewhere most people would never imagine visitng.

But how will I do this? It's easy to hop on a plane to England, Australia or Thailand without any plans, but it seems a bit trickier to be so impulsive when going off the beaten path. It'd be ideal if I could actually do some sort of work overseas, whatever that might be. Or I could just wander aimlessly.

I got an email from a friend of mine. She was biking (yes, pedal biking) across Europe and Asia. She's in Afghanistan now and is heading back to Iran soon. Crazy. And I thought I was adventursome.

Anyway, if anyone has any cool suggestions of places to go or knows of any special work/volunteer programs in developing countries... let me know!

Mood swings

Hoo boy, have I ever been an emotional wreck lately. Up down up down. Actually, more like middle down middle down. Middle is of course higher than down, but I don't think it could really be classified as "up".

I'm panicking about my job ending in September and the 'what the hell am i gonna do next' question. There's so much I'm trying to take in here and sometimes I feel it's pointless because I know they don't have a position for me when the term is up. And I don't want anyone to think I'm panicking about career because of the societal expectations pressing upon me. I WANT to get moving on a career.

My social life is dismal. I'm not even sure where to begin with that one. During the week I work, then come home and watch tv with my sister while we knit. Yes, I knit. And yes, I watch Grey's Anatomy, haha to whatever comments you're inevitably thinking of. I've recently started going to the gym, so that's some variety. Other than that... pfft. Wooowee, what a way to live out the last year of my 20s.

In memorium...
beware, it gets emotional

No love life, obviously. Plus, I just found out my ex is seeing someone, which really felt like a punch in the throat and a kick in the belly. I know I know, we both felt it was time to move on, I was okay with that, happy to be friends and nothing more. But... it still yanks on the old heartstrings knowing that it's truly done. I just can't help but think of the way we once were... perfect together. How do these things fall apart? I have to remind myself that the relationship wasn't working, we had long ago wandered off the path leading to happily ever after. But I find myself getting swept away in nostalgic memories, remembering us only at our best. The good times, the crazy in love times. There were many. I think of these better days and I can't help but cry. It's just so sad letting go, admitting that it's lost. He was such a huge part of my life, we shared so much... all of that is now just another finished chapter. No new memories will ever be made. Lost love is such a heartbreaker.

Anyway, time to take my heart off my sleeve and shove it back in my chest where it belongs.

I've got news....I'm pregnant!

Those were the exact words my friend used last night to tell us all her big announcement.

Oh, did you think it was me?? Hahahahaha. I'm such a trickster.

It's so crazy, I'm still in shock. She's the first one of us to have a baby. I was just barely getting used to the fact that all my friends were coupled off and most of them married, I'm not ready for this next step! I mean, getting married isn't that big a change really. But parenthood... wow. She's officially in grown-up territory. Very exciting and terrifying.

So what the hell is wrong with me? I seem to be perpetually stuck with the mentality of a 23 year old. All my friends are settling down, buying homes, starting families, and I'm... I don't know what I am, but it's none of that stuff. Oh well. I guess I'll be the crazy lady who insists on being called Auntie Amanda even though there's no relation. And I'll sneak the kids some Jolt cola when I visit so that they're insanely hyper and I can be grateful that I'm not the one who has to chase after them. And I'll give them noisy toys as gifts. And I'll tell them to ask their mommy where babies come from.  Muahahaha.....

"What's the matter with Auntie Amanda?" they'll ask. "Why doesn't Auntie Amanda wear grown-up clothes? Why doesn't Auntie Amanda have any babies? Why doesn't Auntie Amanda have a daddy to have babies with? Why does Auntie Amanda drink so much beer? Why does Auntie Amanda make me call her Auntie?" Oh, kids and all their questions. In the meantime, I'll try to focus on my relative freedom and my lack of real financial obligations. Hell, 23 is a good time... even 6 years into it!

blink blink....

Don't you hate it when you're the only one in a group not to get a joke? Now imagine that there are 400 people in that group, and the joke lasts 2 hours. That was my night yesterday. I went to something called Beer & Skits with my dad, the step-family, my brother and sister. It was a musical political satire. I realised just how little I follow politics. At least Canadian - and especially local - politics. I didn't know who 75% of the characters were or what the jokes were referring to. The room would be laughing hysterically and I would just repeat my mantra of the night: "I don't get it". Luckily, I wasn't completely alone in my ignorance, my siblings also spent the majority of the show staring ahead and blinking blankly.  Haha. blinking blankly. Blinky blanky. Sounds funny. Now that's comedy! Anyway, I still had a good night, amused to no end by my political ineptitude and sharing bewildered shrugs with my sister.

On another note, and because I know everyone is wondering, Stars on Ice was okay. You know how it goes, skate skate jump. Skate skate spin. Meh, nothing special.

JUST KIDDING! It was awesome, of course!!! And our seats were incredible, inches away from the ice. You could hear that wonderful swishing of the blades, and Kurt totally looked right at me. Yay!!! Now I've got a whole other year to wait....

Shhh...

Quiet, don't give me away.... I'm blogging at work. Oooh, I'm so bad!!

 

One of the other interns said he does it all the time. And look at me, working like a chump!

 

Oh, gotta go, meeting time. But I'll be back. I'm a real rebel now!